Roswell
Samuel Rising

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There's Something About Sammy

We can't just skip the whole Jesse/Isabel subplot? You sure? If I promise you an extra candy cane or something, can we just...oh, fine. FINE. Jesse is on the couch, screaming numerous permutations of the word "NO!" at the television screen. He's watching a football game, and boys fighting makes him bothered. Isabel walks in and asks how he's doing. He barely has time to respond before the game takes a wild turn that incites him to scream, "Turnover!" And I all but scream the words, "Well, I'll bet that's not the first time he's yelled THAT at another man!" before cramming them back from whence they'd come and wishing they'd never come up in the first place. Isabel sits down on the couch and impatiently tells him, "It's Christmas Eve morning. We have a million things to do." He picks up a bowl of popcorn and rationalizes, "I'm stringing." I, um...is that some street expression I don't know? Either way. She corrects his ability to "string," and Jesse becomes impatient: "Everything is too planned. I'm breaking out in hives here. I never break out!" That would be a really good cue for Swing Out Sister's "Breakout" to begin playing and diffuse some of this pesky tension. But, as too often happens on TV in these troubled times, it doesn't. Which is too bad, really. Because I'll bet you all the popcorn in that bowl that Jesse knows every single word to that song. Anyway, they fight.

Someone named Shelby is at the door of the Den Of Porno. Kyle announces that they haven't seen each other in a while, which indicates that they have known each other before in a social context. She asks after his father, and Kyle responds, "He's in the bedroom, getting ready to see his lady friend." Dawning moment. Cut to ChristmasTown Village, where Kyle rants to Isabel that he finds the fact that Porno is dating a much younger woman "humiliating." Isabel doesn't think so, because she too is dating an older woman. And then they run into said Porno and Shelby, and the four exchange the awkward hello. Isabel then agrees that it's "sick." Because, well, ha ha ha ha ha.

Many stories are to be told tonight at ChristmasTown Village. MichaelSanta is talking to a kid about hockey, and turns to MariaSnowflake and demands -- natch -- a Snapple. Maria gets all mad and grabs him, telling him that she has a Snapple in her "elf house." So that's what they're calling it nowada...sigh. They retreat inside the bowels of the Christmas village and fight about getting distance for one second before Michael takes down his beard and admits, "I miss you." And then, making like Marge and Homer in that mini-golf episode, they go at it right there. But hark! They are soon to be interrupted by another installment of Kids Interrupt The Darnedest Coitus, as he stands at the door and yells, "Santa and Snowflake are kissing!" Isabel storms into the room and screams, "You two should both go home and have a long talk with yourselves." She fires them both. Comic subplot, we hardly knew ye.

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Roswell

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