Roswell
Secrets And Lies (1)

Episode Report Card
Chuck: D+ | Grade It Now!
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L.A. Story

Hi, y'all, I'm Chuck, and I'm the latest foster parent to get saddled with poor, abandoned Roswell. Since Pamie tried the "I've never watched this show and know nothing about it" experiment last week, I figured that, since I've never watched the show either, I'd avoid redundancy by doing a bit of pre-viewing research. Then I realized that it really doesn't matter, as crap is pretty much crap, regardless of how much you know. But I did at least get character names. So, now I'm a marginally informed foster parent, and look forward to abusing my new charge.

Previously: People wandering on a lit dock. Liz tells Max that they came here (wherever that might be) for a reason, because Max's son is in trouble. On another planet. She tells him he needs to go back and "duwatyacamfer." How about a little diction, missy? Cut to partial shot of a spaceship, with voice-over (Max?) explaining that the ship is "there" and has been reassembled. "Our spaceship?" asks an incredulous female voice. No, you ninny, your other ship. An old guy with a gun delivers a message to Max, apparently via some long hair poking into the screen, to stop looking. A brief introduction to shape-shifting, which allows some guy to change appearances but not "what's inside," demonstrated by a bland-looking man morphing into another bland-looking man. Max, in different lighting, whines about his son.

We're in Los Angeles. The caption informs me that Los Angeles is in California, which is good because I wasn't sure. On the hill above a stadium, an old man sitting in a car (previously guy with the gun?) is getting all mushy about the lights of the city -- oh, no wonder he's mushy; he's just gotten blown by some trashy chick, whose head pops up into the shot as she sticks a piece of gum in her mouth. Yuck. This is so not a promising beginning. He gets pissed as she goes to light a cigarette, says how he quit, reminds her that she's forbidden to smoke in the car, tells her to smoke outside. Considering how attractive he is, which is not at all, and considering what she's just done, which is just this side of unbelievable, I'd say she has every right to enjoy a smoke. Hope it helps get rid of the taste, honey.

She protests, shrilly, complains that it's cold (um, then perhaps she should rethink that little non-dress she's wearing); he yammers on about her impending smoking-related demise, and she barks that he'll kill her before cigarettes do. Hmmm. Talk of dying on UPN; the Grim Reaper can't be far behind. She finally relents, stomping off to enjoy her tiny taste of death in peace. Of course, he gets whacked two seconds later: Dame Hoover gets blinded by a flash of light and then sees a glowing member of the trenchcoat Mafia walking away from the car. Pan to her, all freaked out, walking toward the car, bleating, "Joey?" And then we see what she sees, which is Joey, all burnt up and toasty-like, his skull smoking. Hee hee. Smoking.

It's daylight, and things go all "Jamie's Got a Gun" meets CSI with a close-up of police tape unspooling, then more close-ups of a coroner's van and the tire of a squad car. Shaky-cam action, blah blah blah, lots of people milling about looking official; two guys in suits wander in from opposite sides of the screen, apparently continuing an already-in-progress conversation. "So, how's a guy burn to death in his car without leaving behind so much as a scorch mark?" asks Suit One. I know the answer! Get some head from a skanky ho and then piss her off by making her smoke outside! Suit Two says that the "female witness says she saw an otherworldly figure." They start shuffling through the glove compartment and identify the dead guy as Joseph Ferrini, Jr., and then they find a scrap of paper with a New Mexico license plate on it.

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Roswell

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