Roswell
Secrets And Lies (1)

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Chuck: D+ | Grade It Now!
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L.A. Story

"What's a clapperloader?" asks Max, via cell. "He's the guy that bangs the thing and goes 'Take one, take two,'" says Floozy, still in the car. At least she's cleared that up. Liz wants to know who's with Max. He tells her it's a friend and that he's taking her back to her place. This does not sit well with Liz; Max says that he's only dropping her off, that she's helping him, and that it's time to discuss another subject. Smooth, dude. It's theory time with Liz: if the clapperloader is a shape-shifter, then maybe that's his base form, the body to which he always returns. Clapperloader. Shape-shifter. I hate typing this shit. So they have to find out what the clapperloader looked like in 1959, because maybe that's what he looks like today. And how do they do this? By looking at the dailies from the film, since he'll be at the beginning of each take. Floozy kindly explains dailies, to Liz's delight. Seems Liz has done some research, and discovered that the rights to They Are Among Us were sold, of course, to Paramount, so all Max has to do is finagle his way on to the Paramount lot, break into the vaults, find the dailies, and watch them. No problemo. Question: does owning the rights to a film mean that a studio still has all the dailies, forty-two years later? Just asking. Max tells Liz he loves her, Liz wants to know if Floozy heard him say it, Max assures her she did, and everyone's happy. Liz tells Max to call her when he finds a way onto the Paramount lot, alone. You go, girl.

Max drops Floozy at her place; she asks if he wants to "come up." For some "you know." Heh heh. She said "come," Beavis. C'mon, Max, you could be seconds away from the hummer of your life, buddy. Go up! Go up! But Max declines, and Floozy says, "Well, it was worth a shot." Max declines, and tells her to forget about everything, about Utah, about Joey…and especially about him. She smacks her omnipresent chewing gum for a second, and then assents, giving Max a kiss, telling him she hopes the girl on the phone knows how lucky she is, and sending him racing away from 1651 Double-Entendre Lane.

At the same restaurant where Max had lunch with JayDub (as evidenced by the waiters in pink shirts), Max announces that he wants to be an actor. JayDub looks up from his Apple laptop and gets all excited, telling Max he needs headshots. No. Max needs an audition today, so JayDub whips out his cell phone and pretends to converse with Stephen, Martin, and Francis about a new boy with ambition and moxie. Moxie. Both JayDub and I are amazed by his use of the word "moxie," though JayDub jokes that he's uttered a new catchphrase, while I marvel at the barrel-scraping desperation of Roswell's writers. Max wants a specific audition, at Paramount. JayDub balks, flabbergasted; a guest spot on Enterprise? It is, explains JayDub, a major network show, a franchise, "top of the food chain, kid." Major network? Top of food chain? Excuse me? Let's just back slowly away from the self-congratulatory hyperbole, folks. Jonathan Frakes, franchise veteran and director and executive producer of this episode, clearly forgot to take his meds, and is subjecting me to delusions of grandeur. Make it stop, mommy, make it stop. Then I remember that JayDub exists to inject irony and yuks, but since his efforts fall so resoundingly flat, this realization doesn't really help at all. Damn once-pleasing self-referential humor for falling into the hands of the inept. It's just a one-day role, Max points out, which shouldn't be a problem, because Max surely has a SAG card, even if he has no headshots. JayDub promises to work his connections, which pleases Max because he wants on the Paramount lot today. JayDub's eyes flash huge dollar signs and smoke shoots out of his ears as he assures Max that he's gonna make him a Big Star. Well, not really, but it wouldn't be surprising, considering the level we're on.

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Roswell

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