Roswell
Significant Others

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Roswell 101

They're already changing the marquee to something about Paris as SluttyCouple walks out of the theater spoiling the ending of "Roswell Revival." Apparently "she" married him at the end. SlutMan says it's because she loved him. Oh, wow. These are the first lines of the episode. No wonder Djb recaps this thing. Just bad music and mime. Anyway, Slutette says, "She did, she really, really loved him." SlutMan adds that "he" was "damaged," but "she" still loved him. They go on about how great the female protagonist is and how beautiful of a person she is to love someone so damaged. Slutette says she loves old movies. She wishes that real life could be like the old movies, where everything works out perfectly and the guy always gets the girl. They stop walking and face each other. "It can be like that," he says, reading from his Cliché Handbook. He laughs awkwardly and walks away from her. She rocks back and forth, watching him leave her. Is that where she lives? Across the street from the theater? She just keeps standing there, staring. Okay, I guess we'll leave her there, just like my parents did to me when I was five and wouldn't follow them in the grocery store anymore.

Pan down from a clock to a giant black void for fifteen seconds before finding a photo strip of this same couple we've been following all this time. She's in his lap and he's holding her, smiling. Pan down to smiling, kissing, smiling. It's the girl, and she's on her stomach in bed, staring at the strip of photographs, biting on her pinkie nail with her feet crossed at the ankles like any good community theater director would have her blocked. She does her best WWAJD here (What Would Ashley Judd Do?) and stares straight out with her hand under her chin as she thinks really hard about something we aren't clued in on, but I'm guessing from the context of this show that she's an alien and she's in love with this guy and she's wondering if she can tell him she's an alien and he'll still care for her or if he'll run screaming. Am I close? And I'm just taking a wild stab here, but isn't that probably the basic conflict of eight out of ten of these episodes? AshleyJudd/Slutette then touches the photograph of her and SlutMan kissing, and it warbles like a puddle. She keeps staring straight out, panting just slightly, as I start to notice she also looks like Kari Wuhrer. She closes her eyes.

Fade to scary stop-action slow-motion jerky camera work not seen since the terror of HBO's The Hitchhiker. SlutMan is sleeping with his mouth open, thrashing slightly as if he's in a bad dream. Sound of someone gasping, bright flashing light, rapid flashes between SlutMan and Slutette… the Eiffel Tower, for some reason...kissing…Paris stuff…kissing…bright light and negative exposure of film, causing me to squint…and then the screen turns to red as birds fly out from under the Eiffel Tower. Music plays as Slutette sits at a tiny dinner table and watches herself make out with SlutMan right in front of her. The Kissing-Slutette and Slutman stand in front of an open window, dressed all lovely, kissing some more. Is this a joke? Did Djb slip me a Red Shoe Diaries? I call him here to make sure. He tells me that if I'm looking at a blonde and Tom Hanks's son, then I'm doing the right episode. I'm looking at a brunette with short hair and some Enrique-Iglesias-looking dude. Djb tells me that it's probably the right episode, and this girl is probably someone named Isabel. Is this show always this difficult week after week? Do y'all get lost watching it? Okay, so SlutMan gets down on one knee here as the Eiffel Tower is CGIed into the background. He opens a tiny black box and offers an engagement ring. He calls her Isabel here (go, go, Djb) and asks her to marry him. The non-kissing, voyeur Slutette girl gasps, as if she's not controlling this dream sequence. The one that is being manipulated then stammers for a second, and then accepts the proposal.

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Roswell

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