Roswell
Surprise

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Djb: D | Grade It Now!
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Take Me To Your Bleeder

We join the action in progress this week, with Isabel "Bust a Move" Evans breasting (now available in verb form for the first time ever, in order to keep up with the undeniably chesty nature of this sequence) into an old haunt known as Ambiguous Scary Locale. She kicks a door open and shines a flashlight around a warehousey-looking space, and I feel a brief and dispiriting pang that I used a "headlights illuminating the way" joke in last week's recap that probably would have been far more appropriate here. But any feelings of sadness I had been experiencing today are quickly wiped away by the grand prize in Isabel's Scavenger Hunt Through Hell, for her flashlight comes to rest on a still pool of peroxide and inexplicably applied Mac Makeup products, which...oh, wait, it's Tess. And she's bloody and hurt! Oh, the hilarity. Er, I mean "humanity." Isabel runs to her damaged friend and leans down over her, doing her best to do justice to the stage direction "makes entirety of twelve-year-old male viewing audience titter with not-fully-comprehended delight," considering the extremely low-cut nature of her red strapless prom dress. Heh. "Titter."

Tess looks up at Isabel, her face bruised and her mouth a bloody mess. She too-dramatically intones, "Isabel?" as if she's just finished watching every war movie, Meryl-Streep-dying-of-a-terminal-illness flick, and pathos-ridden Broadway musical to be released in the last fifty years. You can practically hear a Dido version of "A Little Fall of Rain" swelling on the product-placed soundtrack now. Isabel puts the flashlight on the ground to inspect her, then picks Tess up and essentially drags her from the room with one hand, holding the flashlight in the other. Through empty rooms, down hallways and steps, Isabel lives up to the role of Queen Bitch Goddess we've all known for a year she was born to play. Running, running, running. Finally, the two enter a room they perceive, I imagine, to be some kind of destination, though in reality it looks identical to every room they passed through to arrive at this one. Tess falls to the ground and Isabel locks a door. Isabel returns to her side and holds Tess's face, demanding, "Stay with me, dammit. Don't die on me now" in a very inspirational Rocky VIII: Revenge of the Skins kind of way. Which, all things considered, in the current career non-trajectory of one Sylvester Stallone, I'm sure he'd be willing to agree to make without much of a negotiation. Get Carter? More like Get Temp Job. 'Cause you're gonna need it, Sly. Anyway, a light appears underneath the door, and Isabel stands up to watch as the bolts slide themselves aside and the door glides open. Cue promo: "It's you." Coooooool. And nearly dialogue-free, too! The way crappy dialogue is best delivered. Is not at all.

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Roswell

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