Roswell
The Departure

Episode Report Card
Djb: C | 1 USERS: F
YOU GRADE IT
Departure...as if
"We love you, Demian. Oh yes we do. We don't love anyone as much as you. When you're not near us, we're blue. Oh, Demian? We love you." And other chart-topping hits of the high school musical. Now Demian, you march right into that office and tell Albert and Rosie you want to be on the Ed Sullivan Show before joining the Army! Just don't interrupt them singing "English Teacher." They HATE IT when people do that.

Maria "A Little More Class, A Little Less Room" DeLuca previouslys us through the previouslys, standing in front of the familiar Chalkboard Of Self-Stealing Exposition. She's wearing a sleeveless denim vest of sorts which screams to the common viewer, "Maybe if the costuming department decks me out like the lost lesbian Dixie Chick I so obviously am not, the powers that were will be too embarrassed to use this hackneyed device again." No such luck, Maw. And so, referring to two chalk circles on the board, she lets us know, "Max and Tess are now an item. There, I said it. I don't like it, but I said it." Incidentally, Maria, the Max Chalk Circle could use a worse haircut, but you hit it spot-on representing his character's entire essence with the subtle and appropriate use of a big fat "zero." And Tess's looks just like her too, seeing as this stupid show will never let her character breathe in anything else besides two dimensions. Boy, this chalkboard montage is more helpful than ever.

But wait! What's this? A sudden cut to Michael "Bang! Crash! Tao!" Guerin indicates that he has gotten up to that all-important chapter in the relationship guide Men Are From Mars, I'm A Whipped Pussy Pawn that indicates he should always be around to help out, even on the opening montage. And so there's Michael, standing in front of a wall outside the school painted in colors of blue and gold, which also happened to be the colors of my high school, so I briefly lapse into a little Massapequa High school pride, yelping out a favorite cheer from Saturday morning football games of yore: "M! [CLAP] A-S! [CLAP] M-A-S-S-A! [CLAP] We're tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick boom, dynamite! [CLAP CLAP] Boom, boom, dynamite! [CLAP CLAP] Goooooo, Chiefs! You can beat those…" Those, um…ah, hell, like I ever went to a damn football game in high school. And on a Saturday morning? Everyone knows that's not the time for watching football. That's the time for recapping Roswell. More coffee? I believe I will.

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Roswell

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