Tess "Traitor Joe" Harding puts her hands on her stomach and admonishes, "Max." Max takes the Superman penis crystal and inserts (shudder) it into the granilith chamber, and the strobe machines from Solid Gold that Katims bought at a Hollywood tag sale kick into life. It's Saturday morning, America, and I just want to dance dance dance! The not-quite-a-swastika alien symbol appears on the ceiling, and the lighting design that will return them to Planet Star Search shoots its cheesy-ass patterns from wall to wall. The judges' panel gives the five triangulated planets the marks of three stars, three stars, four stars, three-and-a-quarter stars! Max advises the other aliens, "Everyone say your goodbyes." So far ahead of you, Max. So very, very far.
Opening credits: The season finale of Roswell is brought to you in part "by Evolution from Dreamworks." And sixteen other moody one-worders that sound like rejected names for a new Calvin Klein cologne. Oh, and that movie? Looks. Retarded. Someone memo Julianne Moore that a little more Magnolia and a little less Ladies Man might help her career out a smidge. I'm only trying to help. Dude, this wasn't about the opening credits at all.
If some punk kid started playing "Who Let The Dogs Out" on his iBook on my overnight flight into the complete silence, I swear to God I would…party! Then I would jump right out the window.
Tap tap tap tap tap. We're at some kind of outdoor eating locale that looks a little like the Crashdown after the front wall was removed and reallocated to the set of Gilmore Girls ("Not renewed, Roswell? Well, then I guess you won't be needing THIS!"). Liz "Bowlmor Lames" Parker sits at a table with Maria, "My So-Called" Sean DeLuca, and Kyle "My Stepsister Is An Alien" Valenti, Kyle obsessively tapping the fingers of his left hand against the table in a vague simulation of the patience level the audience experiences in waiting for something to happen (and waiting and waiting and waiting). Everyone's in a jolly mood. Maria, shilling for the walled competition in her Crashdown uniform, banters at My So-Called Sean, "You've really gotta lose that earring. It's like you're so obviously trying." Sean banters right back that Maria is "retarded" (before you shoot off your poison emails, remember I was just quoting…and that it's just a colloquialism and doesn't automatically mean that Sean hates all retards), and Liz offers up that she thinks the earring is "cute." Maria suggests, "Let's hear from someone other than the bowling partner." Kyle -- tap tap tap -- asks all hopefully, "Isn't it, like, a gay thing, anyway?" (Before you shoot off your poison emails, remember I was just quoting…and that it's just a colloquialism and doesn't automatically mean that Kyle hates all the gays. Actually, that one wasn't a colloquialism at all. Excuse me. I have a poison email I need to go shoot off.) "Gay" and "retarded" in the same scene? Risqué! My So-Called Sean scoffs at Kyle's provincial point of view and asserts, "I've got to get out of this town, I really do," because living in a small town makes you narrow-minded and chilling in the clink makes you urbane. Everything I needed to know I learned from watching Roswell.