To Have And To Hold

Episode Report Card
Djb: C | Grade It Now!
It was a teenage wedding and the old folks wished 'em well

It is not 22 minutes from the beginning of this sequence. Wedding! Wedding! Wedding! Liz and Maria saunter in, wearing their non-matching bridesmaids' dresses (nice planning, ladies), and Monopoly Nazi makes an eleventh-hour plea for fatherhood, escorting Isabel down the aisle and displacing Porno and all the good work he could have done. Boo, Monopoly Nazi. Booooo. And then, they're married. I do. Well, whatever, 'cause I do too! "In plenty and in want"? I've never heard that one before. Finally. Time for the drinking.

Fade to fun party times, the looks of a wedding years in the making. Max makes a best man speech, beginning, "Isabel and I…well, I'm sure you know the story." Don't we, though. It is quite simply the most boring best man speech I've ever had the misfortune to encounter, and mentions the man to whom he is best a grand total of zero times. His conclusion in all this? "What I've realized is that she doesn't need me to protect her. She's too strong for that." Is Michael even there? "To Isabel: I love you, I trust you, and I wish you all the happiness in the world." Hip hip hooray. Lackadaisical applause ensues. Is this place a cash bar, or what? Then Ivy sells their soul to the UPN to get the rest of the two fans they couldn't hit when they just "happened" to be playing at a bar scene on Special Unit 2. Isabel dances with her mother, her father, her priest, the caterer; Liz tells her father she'll be dancing with Max because, goshdarnit, nobody puts baby in a corner. Oh. There's Michael. And there's…Khivar! Suddenly, Isabel opens her eyes on the dance floor to the sound of beefcake-in-a-scarlet-collar whispering in her ear, "Stay calm and keep smiling, Isabel." She tells him he's not really here. He tells her he has come for her, grabs a glass of champagne, and wishes her "many more happy days still to come." He's gone. Kyle crawls up (oh, wait, he's standing. And short) to Isabel and asks if he can dance with her. She asks if he saw the dude that she was dancing with, and Kyle confirms that, indeed, he had. Who is it, he wants to know. Isabel is perplexed: "Someone who shouldn't be here." That goes for all of us, Isabel.

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