Roswell
To Have And To Hold

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It was a teenage wedding and the old folks wished 'em well

And, over at the counter, Porno pushes a copy of his CD (when the hell did they do a CD?) across the counter and demands that he and his band be allowed to play at the wedding. Maria insists that they will not be having a country-western band, and she books them instead for the bachelor party. Kyle enters just then, and Porno calls out, "Kyle, tell her how good we are!" Kyle snarls back, "I'm not your publicist." Oooh, good line. And kind of a shout-out. But I kind of can't tell you why. Anyway, Isabel marches over to Porno just then, asking if he'll give her away. Her parents aren't going. She thinks of him as a father figure. She does? He says yes. Human Fly sits in Kyle's booth and begs him to fix the bus, and Maria comes over just in time to get out of him that he manages the band Ivy. By whom I actually have a CD. Not that you asked. But you could always make up for it by getting me the new one.

Bachelor party, just like in that movie, Bachelor Party. There's a stripper thing happening here, isn't there? Well, good for them. Except that the stripper is forty. More age-old weirdness on the soundtrack (this time in the form of "Get Me To The Church On Time" from My Fair Lady…must have been a Max suggestion) segues into the bluesy opening number of Porno's set. God. Remember when Porno was this show's one actual formidable villain? His character's slippery slope downward has been so gradual. I don't even think I noticed that he had gone from Roswell's resident Officer Bad-Ass to being relegated to "the Vonda Shepard of the UPN" in the space of just a few seasons. Roswell. Why does it hate us so? The Jets (Roswell's natives) and the Snarks (the Haaaah-vard boys) mix at a bar and chat and play pool, Max having cornered some poor Harvard schlep and asking him questions about Jesse's past. He's polite for exactly four seconds before holding up his fourth finger and announcing, "I'd love to sit here and answer your questions all night, but I'm married, this is a bachelor party, and time's a-wasting." Ew. I wasn't aware that fidelity actually took the night off for such an occasion. Michael even tells Max to "let it go," just as Kyle tells Max that there's someone he should meet…

…and we cut for a moment to Isabel's dream state, where Isabel tells dreamy Khivar that she gets married tomorrow and leaves him behind forever, just as…

…we find Max torturing other not-drunk-enough guests at the party, Max's new conquest revealing quietly, "We talk on the phone all the time. Except when he was doing that FBI thing." The guy continues that it was "classified" and "national security. That kind of thing." Jesse comes over and gets mad at Max for interrogating his friends, just as Michael sinks a few balls and a big brawl breaks out in the bar. The line "these red-neck jerk-offs are trying to hustle us!" is delivered in dead seriousness, which is only a good thing because it means that the line "I'm a statistician!" doesn't function as the dramatic high point of the scene.

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Roswell

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