Episode Report CardDjb: D+ | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
Five o'clock on a Friday afternoon is no time for a twenty-five-year-old male to freeze in his tracks on the corner of 72nd Street and Broadway, peer in the window of a packed Cosmetics Plus, mutter "What in the name of Filene's Basment" in a tone that sounds more like an anguished scream than much of a mutter at all, and walk purposefully to the section of the magazine rack specifically designated for that swath of society known as "teen" (which I'm not) "girls" (which -- wait for it -- I'm actually not, either). And yet, it was the Siren's Song of teen mag behemoth Seventeen that pulled me, helpless, into the store, and three dollars and ninety-nine cents later (Plus tax. Oh, and plus the additional $3.50 for a copy of U.S. News and World Report, which I bought solely to wrap around my primary purchase so I could read it on the subway), I walked back into the nowhere-to-hide sun with the March 2001 issue, featuring Shiri and Majandra on a cover trumpeting, "Roswell's duo (Shiri and Majandra) share their prom memories and passions." Thanks for the parenthetical, by the way. Because I had just started to fear that the article was going to feature three pages of girlish, giggly "prom memories and passions" with Bill Sadler and Charles freakin' Napier. Really. Thanks. The cover that instigated such a primal response features Shiri, looking a bit overly waifish in her off-one-shoulder gold lame (I know there should be an "ay"-indicating accent over that "e," but doesn't that word really mean the same thing with or without it, here in the harsh light of the new millenium?) diagonal-striped dress. In fairness, we all know she's not an ugly girl, really. But whoever chose this picture for the cover of the magazine has as almost MBTV-sized vendetta against her, it seems, and I take a moment to muse on the tiny differences in the computer coding for the Lizbot's smile chip that changes "the pretty though defiant smile of the perpetually B-list celeb" to "unhinge jaw, devour photographer" with the simple addition of just a few zeros and ones. Those are some serious choppers right there, man. To the Lizbot's left stands Majandra, smiling The Pretty Though Defiant Smile Of The B-List Celeb and wearing a dress in the maroon family that features several NASA-approved belts and ties and cords and levers and pulleys I wouldn't have even taken out of the box until I had a chance to review the manual and contact a professional installer. And it clashes pretty egregiously with the Seventeen logo, is all. Stoked yet? Page 158 awaits.