Who Died And Made You King?

Episode Report Card
Djb: D+ | Grade It Now!
Countdown to Ecstasy

And now, having failed at all else, yelling. Isabel, big bouffant on, walks into the living room to find Jesse coaxing on some clothes over his sweaty wifebeater (it's gay porn, people. I'm recapping gay porn. Why, then, do I find it so unpleasant?). So convinced of her marital bliss is Isabel that she walks in to the room with the wifely, "Jesse, would you like me to make you s--" Soup? Spam? Sigmund Freud papier-maché dolls? Perhaps we shall never know. But Jesse doesn't want to make anything but tracks (cheesy segue alert!), apologizing, "I'm sorry, Isabel. I can't stay here and pretend like everything is normal when it's not." But she's got a retort at the ready, and she's not afraid to use it: "But normal is sneaking out of our house while I'm still sleeping?" It is in his culture. The culture of gay porn. Perhaps she should have reconsidered phrasing it in the form of a question. She begs him to talk to her.

Then the script dictates, "They both yells at once," so they both do that junior high school play crowd noise thing, all, "Ruzzah ruzzah ruzzah peas and carrots peas and carrots PEAS AND CARROTS" until he breaks free first with the impassioned, "I'm dealing with this the best that I can, okay? What else do you want from me?" And then, it's One Life to Live and I'm a bored housewife, watching this drama unfold: "I want you to love me! And be the man that I married!" She loves her husband. She loves her emotionally dead, gay husband. Sigh. Search for the Heathers reference. I'm sure you'll find it in there somewhere. Jesse bites back, "Well, that's hilarious, because I want you to be the woman that I married!" A-ha! And he's right. That is hilarious. He grabs his bag and plugs a local merchant, "I'll be at the Travel Inn." And that's not all he'll be plugging because of the gay porn thing and why isn't this scene over yet? Seeing as we've reached the end of the action without progressing the plot even one iota, Jesse throws out a development you can hang at least one more scene of yelling on, "And tell your brother to stop following me." He probably adds, "And tell him to just catch up with me already. Rawr!" after the door shuts behind him.

Why I Hate This Show, Part The Two-Hundred Billionth And Four: Max carries a swimmy TV dinner over to the ratty couch in The House That Government Subsidy Built and tosses it on the table. He throws off the plastic cover and waves his magical molecularly manipulating hand over it, turning it instantly from a yucky TV dinner into a delectable and possible eat-worthy...TV DINNER! Why not turn it into a damn pile of cash and buy yourself a meal, Skeletor? Riddle me that. Instead, two hours of a head-on shot of Max Evans eating mashed potatoes. He's all, "What is this so-called 'food' I have heard so much about?" Dude, speed up the cuts here. Shouldn't someone tell these people that they're running out of time? This is so paced and method. He's like the Olivier of guys who eat mashed potatoes. Olivier could do a potato-eating scene that would really make you think. So they say. But Max has other, less potato-eating things on his mind, as he looks down at the table and notices something "concealed" underneath it, shrouded under the cunning shield of air. He reaches for it. It is a wooden box. Could it be...more potatoes? No, alas, it could not. The box is the same box Michael spoke with earlier, filled with glowing orbs and Zapf Dingbats journals and that kind of thing. The plot shifts slightly in its sleep, but ultimately fails to turn.

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