Identity Crisis

Episode Report Card
M. Giant: C+ | Grade It Now!
Raders Of The Lost Narc

Henry's alarm clock wakes him up at 7:30, and the next thing he sees after turning it off is that damn "Kylie" tattoo on his forearm. He leans back in his bed to listen to the lame remake of Yaz's "Only You" that's suddenly playing.

Hannah's in her room, doing her makeup. Did you get the memo? Hannah wears makeup now. Not that we knew her before she wore makeup, but she's wearing it now, and we're supposed to care. Suddenly, a nude male torso comes into view in the reflection from outside her window and through the window next door. Yes, poor, pretty-but-dumb Brady has yet to unravel the mysteries of window shades. He happens to glance over, and Hannah quickly turns back to her mirror. Brady looks more confused than normal for a moment, and then cracks a little smile. Oops, maybe I shouldn't have said "crack." Oh, settle down, 7th Heaven viewers. The windowsill blocks everything lower than his fifth rib anyway.

At the Rader breakfast table, Paul hands out the new untraceable, prepaid cell phones he procured. "So they're kinda ghetto?" Hannah snarks. "They're phones," Paul says. She asks if they can use them for text messages, so Henry leans in close and asks skeptically, "Who's texting you?" "Please brush your teeth," Hannah non-answers. Paul says that they're for emergencies and to call each other. "And not Kylie," he doesn't say to Henry, because sometimes he's not any smarter than the rest of them. Lily adds that, without them, they'll stand out at school. Speaking of which, Hannah suggests a haircut for Paul. "I kinda feel like you look like a fugitive," she says. And Hannah gets this week's "Voice of the Recapper" award. It's not a particularly fancy award -- it's just a blank CD-R with "Voice of the Recapp" scribbled on one side in Sharpie and "er" on the other. But it's Hannah's. Paul takes Hannah's suggestion with good humor, and asks if Tommy's down to his last inhaler. Lily promises to take care of it, which sparks a brief conversation about her suddenly being a "full-on mom." Henry derails this discussion by noticing that the cell phones have a 504 area code. Hannah snottily points out that this is because they're from New Orleans. Tommy is, as always, several degrees behind the curve, as he's still thinking they're from Philadelphia. "Is my name still Mikey Holland?" he wonders after Paul clears up their provenance for him. Paul decides that it's a good time to practice their fake first names again, just because this is still only the second episode and we can't have people wondering why the main characters are going to be called by different names about two or three times each in the coming hour. Just in case this is your first time, Hannah's "Kate," Lily's "Brenda," Paul's "Jim," Tommy's "Mikey," and Henry's still Jason. Except he pronounces it "Gah-gah" as he lets his pancakes just sort of fall out of his mouth back onto his plate. Gross. "These pancakes are, like, rare," he tells his laughing family. Lily decides to fall back on cereal. A honk from outside signals the arrival of Brady, who's ready to give the older kids a ride to school. What a gentleman Brady is. Do you suppose he pulled into the Raders' driveway before making that elegant gesture, or is he polite enough to blare his horn before he even starts his car? Lily worries about Hannah having a regular boy chauffeur already, but Hannah says that she's "blending in." After they leave, Tommy asks Paul, "Is she popular now?" Paul just smirks. Which he'll be able to get away with after he gets a haircut, but not before.

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