The camera pans across a painting of the Chicago skyline as the words "Once upon a time" are written across the screen. At the same time, Sam's V.O. tells us that "Once upon a time, there was a girl who made the tiniest mistake on the way to 'happily ever after.'" Sam gets on an elevator with about half a dozen reasonably attractive men. She's on her phone, leaving a message for Todd, who won't return her call despite the twenty or thirty other messages she's left for him. She keeps talking as the doors close and the elevator starts moving. I knew they were going for a fairy tale feeling here, but I didn't realize they were going to give Sam a magical cell phone that works on elevators. Sam continues leaving the message, noting that it's pretty rude of Todd not to return her calls, although "maybe not as rude as pretending that you and I had sex to get rid of your girlfriend." All of the men on the elevator, and she tells them that the new girlfriend was no prize. She continues to leave the message as we cut to Todd's apartment, where he is deleting it. While she's still leaving it. It's like he has a time traveling answering machine.
Sam gets off the elevator and walks into her place of employment. She sees Chapman, her neurotic boss, and wishes him a good morning. He doesn't think it's so good, since this is the day that funk decided to drop in. And by funk, he doesn't mean seasonal affective disorder, or the sublime music of George Clinton. Or even Tobias Fünke. He's talking about Winston Funk, the other man besides Chapman whose name appears on the letterhead. He apparently doesn't actually do any work, choosing instead to manage the rest of his billion-dollar empire. And he's called a meeting in the conference room.
In the conference room, Chapman introduces Funk (while noting that The Wall Street Journal called him a man who needs no introduction). Funk is played by Timothy Olyphant. If I had actually watched Deadwood, I would make a joke about it or start using some really filthy language. But I didn't, so I won't. As Funk starts speaking, Andrea lets out this incredibly obnoxious girlish giggle. Also, Funk is being trailed by an ASL interpreter -- Chapman asks him why, since nobody in the room is hearing impaired. Funk: "Yet. The soul of success is anticipation." Andrea, still kind of giggly, applauds.
Sam and Andrea walk out of the conference room. Sam taunts Andrea about being in love with Funk, and Andrea calls him "the most adorable billionaire ever." More adorable than Richie Rich? Funk walks up to them and says hello, and Andrea goes all slack-jawed. He leaves, and Sam mocks Andrea's stage fright. Andrea doesn't understand what happened, but notes that Funk is everything she's ever wanted in a man. "And it's not the money, I swear it's not the money. I would love him even if he was just a millionaire." Andrea notes that he's getting divorced, and asks Sam if she should pursue him. Sam starts to say that if Andrea doesn't, she will, but Andrea cuts her off: "I will tear you apart."