Samantha Who?
The Girlfriend

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The Girlfriend

Todd and Chloe sit on a couch across from Sam. There's a Monopoly board on the coffee table between them. It's all very awkward, and gets even more so when Chloe and Todd laugh about some stupid in-joke about Marvin Gardens. Sam looks like she might be sick. And then I think I might get sick when Chloe pulls out a stuffed koala (which she calls her "fuzzy") and starts acting all cutesy-poo. (Emphasis on the "poo.") Todd picks up on the awkwardness, and suggests to Chloe that this might not be the best place for them to act all couply. So Chloe suggests they retire to the bedroom.

Dena enters the Newly household and quietly calls out Sam's name. She's startled to find Regina sitting at the dining room table, looking quite pissed off that Sam skipped their makeover. Regina tells Dena, "She's probably at a meeting of 'daughters who refuse to do one thing to please their mothers' club." I bet that's a big club. Dena tries to leave, but Regina decides that Dena would make a perfect substitute for Sam. Her pickup line is, "You're mother's dead. And my daughter's out gallivanting. You see how we're both suffering?" Dena is ready to leave until Regina compliments her for looking utterly adorable when she spent the entirety of fifth grade wearing a Wonder Woman costume. Regina: "So, what kind of wine does Wonder Woman drink? Cabernet, or tequila?"

Sam and Andrea are sitting on the bench in front of Sam's building. Sam is freaked out because she was forced to listen to Todd and Chloe doing it not only to the tunes of Marvin Gaye but also to Bolero. Andrea has brought her girlfriend destroying weapons, which she thinks are guaranteed to get Todd to throw Chloe out of the apartment. Those weapons consist of herpes cream, an ovulation chart, and an unopened ovulation kit. Sam tells Andrea that she can't use those weapons because she's no longer deceitful. And then Audrey arrives, and Sam completely lies to her. In a non-deceitful way, of course.

Back at the chicken ranch, Dena is applying makeup to Regina. Whoa, it looks like Dena went first, and someone set the makeup gun to "whore." Or Russian ice dancer -- it's pretty much the same look. Regina thinks that with her steady hands, Dena could have been a doctor's assistant. And then we see Regina's finished makeup -- it's still pretty aggressive, but not quite so garish. Less like Russian ice dancer and more like Ohio beauty queen. Speaking of which, Regina gets all teary because she hasn't felt this pretty since coming in second in a beauty pageant to Paula Drake. Regina is especially bitter that she never got to give an acceptance speech. So then Dena persuades her to give her speech, holding a bouquet of makeup brushes in her arms. Regina gives her speech, and then Dena tells her, "Oh my God, I felt like you were speaking to me." Regina decides that since she's shared a dark secret with Dena, it's only fair that Dena do the same. Dena thinks for a second and tells her that her dream was always to be an artist. She spent weeks trying to draw the turtle on the matchbook in order to be admitted to art school. Regina: "Oh, honey, didn't you know that was a scam? They just wanted your money, they accepted everyone." Dena: "Not everyone." Heh. Regina's response is perfect, as she tells Dena that she hates the art school for ruining her dream. Dena hates Paula Drake for ruining Regina's dream. Regina notes that Paula lives just two blocks away. Regina can't stand seeing her house, "and that ridiculous rabbit statue on her lawn, like she's better than everyone else." Dena: "Let's T.P. her house." Regina: "Oh, please." Dena: "Yes!" Regina: "You talked me into it. You're very persuasive. You could have been a lawyer's assistant." She can come work for me, if she wants -- I could use a whacky sidekick around the office.

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Samantha Who?

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