Samantha voiceovers that amnesia renders you a blank slate, without memories and opinions. One becomes like a child; the problem is, one is an adult. Samantha looks at herself in the mirror. She's dressed for steppin' out.
The "child vs. adult" speech we just heard leads us nicely into a motherly interrogation reserved for junior-high girls: Samantha's going out for drinks with Andrea, whom Regina doesn't like -- she calls Andrea a "drunk," like it's a bad thing. Well, I suppose for Samantha, a recovering drunk, it is a bad thing. Regina doesn't want her daughter riding home with Andrea the drunk, and orders her to take a cab, since the way she's dressed will prompt everyone to think she's a hooker, if she hitchhikes. (I think she looks very nice.) Samantha's dad is watching Monday Night Football, like I SHOULD BE DOING. Samantha promises to return immediately, and to "die if [she has] any fun."
In light of Samantha's alcoholism, I'm not sure she and Andrea should be hanging around bars all the time. Of course, it's not like Andrea's much of a friend. She does, however, fend off some pickup artist (Andrea calls him "Sweat Stains"), which is great, because along with everything else, Samantha's forgotten pickup lines, innuendo, and sex itself. When Andrea steps away for a moment, Sweat Stains moves in and suggests they go back to his place, and Samantha agrees on the condition that her friend come. "It's kind of hard to explain, but I need someone to watch me," she says, only piquing Sweat Stains' interest all the more. Andrea arrives in the nick of cock-blocking time.
Informed that Sweat Stains was only hitting on her, Samantha wonders if it's possible for a person to have forgotten having sex. "Trust me," says Andrea wryly, sipping from her drink. Hee. Samantha gets more anxious as she realizes she doesn't remember what sex is like, how it feels. "You poor thing!" says Andrea, slapping the bar. "You're a virgin!" This last part, she yells loud enough to ensure all the men in the bar turn her way to leer at her. You know, we don't all subscribe to Maxim. Samantha saves face by calling for a "virgin margarita." "Nothing to see here," she says.
Samantha's note to self urges her to talk to her mom about sex. This will prove unwise, and there are some things that you'd think Samantha would have relearned already. Her parents are cleaning out the garage. "We'd been keeping all this stuff that was sentimental to you, but now that you've forgotten why, we can throw it out," says Regina breezily. When Sam says she wants to talk about something personal, Regina says she knew this would come up sooner or later: "Don't worry, honey; you're not dying. This happens to every woman once a month." Samantha does that thing where she acts like her parents are stupid for thinking she's forgotten something really important, even though every episode seems to be based on her having forgotten something really important. Regina gets all squicked out when Sam says she wants to talk about sex, because that's not something Sam ever brought up before. There may be a good reason for that; before the conversation is over, it is revealed that Samantha's parents, for some reason, elected to refer to sex, should Sam have ever brought it up, as "happy touch" or "special hug." Sam's dad also learns that, contrary to what he'd thought over his entire marriage, Regina's first "special hug" was not with him but with Bob McNally. "That spindly guy from the shoe store?" he says, outraged. You're telling me this show's above an inside joke like calling the dude Al Bundy?