You know, I had a whole bunch of My Name Is Earl jokes ready to go, but then some unknown wag came up with "My Name Is Girl." And nothing I had was as good as that. So the show will be spared my constant (and no doubt annoying) remarks about how similar it is to the other show about a former ne'er-do-well trying to reform. Count your lucky stars.

We open in a hospital room, where...oh, God, there's a voice-over. Can I never escape? Anyway, the lovely blonde woman in the hospital bed is our heroine, Samantha Newly. She's in a coma, although you wouldn't know it from her hair -- it lacks the glossy shine I've come to expect from TV coma patients. She tells us that there are some good things about being in a coma -- the IV is fat-free, you sleep a lot, and you get regular sponge baths. It's like a spa, although without the facials and hair appointments. On the down side, her nose itches and she can hear everything her mother is saying. Her mother, Regina, played by Jean Smart, formerly of Designing Women and 24, is swanning around the room with a camcorder, recording her misery for posterity and the casting director of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. And then Samantha wakes up. Regina freaks out, yells for Samantha's father, Howard, to get a nurse, and asks Samantha to close her eyes so she can get another take. Samantha looks confused, and her lips move. They try to figure out what she's trying to say, wondering if maybe she just wants to kiss her mommy. What she wants to say, of course, is "Who are you?" If this were C.S.I., this is where we would cut to the credits.

Sam has amnesia, which you already knew from the promos, advertisements, and lukewarm reviews. A doctor is explaining the premise of the show to her parents and her friend Dena, played by Melissa McCarthy, formerly known as Sookie on Gilmore Girls. Sam scratches her nose and looks confusedly at the strangers staring at her. Regina is, as you would expect, hilarious, declaring how awful it is that Sam can't remember her eighth birthday party, since "I worked my fingers to the bone on that party." Howard formally introduces himself to Samantha and gives her his card. They should really make hospital gowns with pockets, just so you have a place to put the business cards people give you. Sam asks how long she was out, and Howard tells her, "Nineteen years." But he's joking -- it was really just eight days.