Sam is standing in line at the coffee shop. She's on her phone leaving another message for Todd, telling him that he can ignore her all he wants, but she's stalked enough men to have already memorized Todd's routine. In particular, she tells him that she knows exactly when she can find him at the coffee shop buying a cinnamon roll. And then the camera pulls out and we see that Todd is standing directly in front of her. He turns around and tells her that she wins, asking her to tell him what she wants. She excuses herself for a second to end her call. What a polite young woman. He grabs his cinnamon roll and starts to walk away. She follows, and tells him that she wants him to know why she tried to sabotage his relationship with Chloe: "It's because I have these feelings...." Todd tells her not to say it, and she tells him that he doesn't even know what she was going to say. He insists that he does, and she proves him wrong by telling him that she has feelings about the Middle East, which he will never get a chance to hear. He tells her that his feelings are that he's with Chloe and nothing Sam can say will do anything but make everyone feel bad.
Sam walks down her empty suburban street under a full moon. Sam's V.O. is in full-on bodice-ripper mode: "And so, her feelings for the stable boy unrequited, our heroine headed through the dark of night, seeking comfort at the warm hearth of her kindly but addled parents." Heh. As soon as Sam enters the house, Regina and Howard ambush her, calling her their "beautiful, intelligent, sweet, and naturally blonde daughter." And the Funk pops up behind them. Sam thinks that Funk is just not used to hearing the word "no." Funk: "I hear it all the time. It's that little noise right before 'yes.'" If Sam won't marry Funk, Howard would be glad too -- especially when faced with the prospect of helicopter flying lessons. Commercials.