Scrubs
My Dumb Luck

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Kelso's Last Stand

Turk and JD are herding old people to their new rooms, since the geriatric wing is being remodeled. Really? A geriatric wing? I don't exactly expect true-to-life medicine from this show, but I've never seen a hospital with an entire wing just for oldsters. Anyway, Turk wishes for a way to move things along, and JD fantasizes about a chain of old people boogeying down the hallway to "Love Train".

Kelso compliments Ted on his ugly plaid jacket, rubbing his hands all over it. Kelso doesn't really like it; the bathroom was just out of paper towels. JD and Turk deliver the oldsters to their new rooms, and the oldsters immediately sneak out and start roaming the halls. I probably won't mention it again, but just assume that every scene features some old people wandering around.

Since Elliott told the board Kelso's real age, now he's being forced to retire. Elliott whines that this is worse than when the female staffers were told they weren't allowed to wear open-toed shoes. Kelso's standing there, so she modifies that it's way, way worse. Kelso says he just wanted to end his career on his own terms. Carla thinks they need to help Kelso keep his job, and makes JD and Turk promise to help.

But first, JD and Turk need to play a game called "Poke the Bear." Cox has a patient he's been treating for years, and he can't figure out the problem. That patient has just returned. So JD and Turk stand near Cox and loudly discuss how they feel like jackasses when they can't figure out what's wrong with a patient. Cox turns and glares at them, about to attack, and JD manages to stop the attack at the last minute. JD and Turk celebrate with a hug, and JD comments, "You smell like an athlete!" Ted watches sadly, and says that he needs a black friend too. Turk agrees that it would make him cooler. JD wonders why Ted is so sad, since you'd think he'd be psyched that Kelso is being forced out. Turns out Ted didn't know, so he celebrates by running around the hospital naked, screaming, "I'm free!" He ends up getting hit by Janitor's van. It's gross. It involves a mouthful of blood and a squishing sound. Enough said.

Kelso sits on a bench outside the hospital, and calls an intern over to talk to him. Or orders an intern over to talk to him. The intern is grossed out by the puddle of Ted's blood nearby. Me too, intern. Me too. Anyway, Kelso starts reminiscing about his time at the hospital.

But instead of hearing that, we get to see Elliott putting twenty-three stitches in Ted's tongue. Carla warns Ted that he's not allowed to talk. Elliott muses that Kelso is like her grandfather: "Pervy, demeaning, and an eensy bit racist, but you crave his love anyway, because he smells like peppermint." Carla thinks everyone thee respects Kelso. Ted tries to disagree, but he's not allowed to talk.

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