JD and Turk gaze at a baby in the nursery as JD reflects on how awesome it is being a dad. Problem is, that's not his little boy, Sam. And it's a girl. JD yells at Turk for ruining the moment he was having, and Turk backstories that Kim and Sam moved forty minutes away. JD vows to visit his son that night.
The hospital got a new scale, and all the ladies are wary of it. Elliot complains (brags) that, since her breakup with Keith, she's down a dress size. Turk tells her that she looks sick, which Elliot takes as a compliment. Turk wants to see how much Carla weighs. Oh, huge mistake. JD fantasizes what would happen if Turk forced the issue: the female staffers would carry him to the scale, weigh him, and then Carla would stamp him with the word "Tubbo" and everyone would laugh. And then they would carry JD to the scale, and Carla would stamp him with the words "Muscles Wanted."
Ted, in full biking regalia, scolds Janitor for driving a gas guzzler. And to make matters worse, Janitor leaves his engine running all day so that the AC keeps his car nice and cool. Ted is horrified, and orders Janitor to see An Inconvenient Truth. Cut to Janitor watching the movie in the lounge, horrified.
JD and Turk enter an elevator, and Cox (already inside) complains that he has to hear JD whine. So he picks up his stethoscope and breathes into it to make white noise, drowning out JD's voice. JD tells Turk he hates that Sam lives so far away, and hates driving his scooter there, and hates that Sam and "his stupid flopsy baby neck" can't wear a helmet and ride the scooter with him yet. The worst part is that JD's "loser brother" is coming to visit. Turk shows JD a bloody guy on a surgical table and explains that things could be worse. Behind JD's back, the bloody guy sits up -- it's Dan, JD's brother! He scares the bejeezus out of JD as the entire hospital staff watches and applauds. Meanwhile, Dr. Cox continues to provide himself with white noise.
JD tries to get his brother back by jumping out of a doorway and yelling, "Ah, I'm a monster." Dan and Turk are (a) not frightened and (b) not amused.
Dr. Cox advises a patient who's stressed out to stop getting worked up over small things. Except he acts out each and every word, and it's hilarious. Then he yells at an intern for making his coffee too hot. Elliot is disgusted by Cox's hypocrisy, telling patients to reduce stress and then being a big stressball himself. She thinks of other hypocrites: a leathery fake-tanned doctor telling patients to use sunscreen, or Kelso smoking a pipe and telling a patient that smoking is killing him.