Scrubs
My Waste of Time

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One Ball to Rule Them All

Jordan and Cox wait for their daughter's procedure to be done. Cox uses his newfound power to threaten to fire a doctor if they don't get frequent updates, and Jordan is all turned on. Cox is struggling with the paperwork for his new job, so Ted pops up and offers his services. Elliott asks Dr. Cox (who wants to be referred to as Chief Dr. Cox, which abbreviates as CDC, which was Elliott's nickname in college, but it stood for Crying Drunk Chick and oh my God will this parenthetical ever end?) about locating a patient who might be entitled to a class action settlement over a drug called Plumox. She wants someone to cover her patients while she finds the patient, and JD offers to drive, since he has to pick up Sam from daycare.

Carla has put Izzy down for her nap and is ready to drink some champagne with her man. Turk wants to celebrate Izzy sleeping through the night and finding a nanny, so they can be themselves again. They fight over popping the cork, and of course the cork flies out and rebounds, hitting Turk in the nut.

Ted rushes off to get Cox some coffee, and Janitor stops him to ask why he's setting himself up for another Kelso relationship. We flashback to a groovy Ted with a full head of hair, showing up for his first day of work for Kelso, who looks essentially the same. The first thing Ted has to do is wash Kelso's car's front bumper and grille with a toothbrush. Kelso needs the grille cleaned because he hit the neighbor's cat last night: "Quick little bastard, had to cross two lanes to get him." Back in reality, Janitor gives Ted a pep talk about telling Cox what's what. Ted marches in and tells Cox that he's a lawyer and shouldn't have to fetch coffee. Cox asks Jordan what she thinks and Jordan can't pretend to care. Cox tells Ted he's off the hook and Ted screeches with delight. Three times.

JD and Elliott wait for Elliott's patient to show up. JD wishes Turk were there so they could goof off. Flash to Turk getting his nut checked out to make sure everything's kosher. Back in the car, JD says that Elliott can't goof around with him like Turk does, but Elliott thinks she can. They tape a sign to a fast food drive-thru speaker that says that the speaker is broken so people need to yell. The first car pulls up, the guy yells, and the manager inside throws the soda in his hand into the air, prompting peals of laughter from JD and Elliott.

Janitor coaches Ted to try to pick up a lady. Ted's line: "Hey, Cindy. I want to...make you pregnant." Cindy surprisingly doesn't go for this, but Janitor thinks Ted has become a man. They head to the club's headquarters, the Brain House. Doug has brought a cadaver's brain to be their mascot, which Janitor thinks is gross. And if Janitor, the taxidermist, thinks it's gross, well...it's pretty gross. Ted wants the club to play cards that night, but Janitor isn't up for it. Ted points at him and bellows, "I want to play caaaaaaaaards!" Ted! Growing some balls! I guess balls are the theme of the episode.

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Scrubs

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