Secret Diary of a Call Girl

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Monty Ashley: B | Grade It Now!
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Does the Doctor Know About This?

Okay, so this show is about Billie Piper being all sexy, and rolling around in her underwear, right? Okay, let's give that a shot. I don't think I ever found her Doctor Who character all that sexy, but it's hard to remember what I actually thought at the time, because my memory is kind of tainted by my exasperation at spending an entire season watching the Doctor mooning over her. How come he never mentions the other 30 (or whatever) companions he's had? However, that may well be considered irrelevant to the show at hand. Let's get it on!

The first shot is very blurry. Before I can start making up elaborate theories about how this represents something (probably "having an artsy cameraman"), Billie Piper is in with a voice-over. It appears that she loves London. She also loves its rudeness, its lack of community, its impatience, and its weather, in that order. Meanwhile, the cameraman has figured out where the focus button is, so the thin black blur in the front has resolved into Billie Piper as well. That's convenient. She also loves anonymity. Oh, and she's a whore.

Normally, I do not approve of calling women whores. It's a cheap, easy insult. However, I have a feeling that on a show where the main character in fact has sex for money, it may be unavoidable. Luckily for me, the English language is full of synonyms for that profession, so let's just dive right in to Secret Diary of a Woman Who's No Better Than She Should Be (thanks, Victorians!).

She goes on to explain that you can tell a prostitute because she's the one in the designer suit, who's "fabulous but forgettable" and doesn't attract attention. She leads into the credits by telling us that "This isn't the real me." The credits involve a lot of close-ups of a television showing somebody putting on makeup.

An alarm goes off, showing Billie Piper (until I get a character name, I'm perfectly happy to call her by both names like that) in bed. She sits up and says she doesn't care whether I call her an escort, a hooker, a prostitute, or a whore. That's good, because as far as I'm concerned, she's a Member of the Oldest Profession, a Nymph of the Pavement, and a Strumpet. As she puts on a robe (which completely fails to cover her butt), she soliloquizes that there are many different types of working girl. She also emphasizes that she was not abused by a relative, has no children to support, and has never been addicted to anything, except for the fourth season of The West Wing. Really? The season that started with Josh, Donna, and Toby lost in Indiana because they didn't understand time zones and ended with Bartlet's daughter being kidnapped?

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Secret Diary of a Call Girl

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