Secret Diary of a Call Girl

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Monty Ashley: B- | Grade It Now!
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Threeway Action

The music is evocative of the "Intermission" music in my favorite episode of Monty Python's Flying Circus as we pan up a stocking-clad leg to reveal Belle in a wedding gown. I assume we're supposed to gasp and think that she's suddenly decided to get married as a midseason twist, but I expect it's just another kinky client. After some weird talk from the woman who helps young ladies find the perfect dress for their Special Day, we move on to the plot: Belle's got a call from her agent asking if she does girls.

We see "Belle's Enjoy List" on the computer, and everything is checked except for BDSM (giving), Cum In Mouth, more somes, and Scat, which have Xs through them. There is neither a check nor an X under "Girls". There are checks for "A-Level" and "GFE", which do not sound familiar. Google informs me that "GFE" is "Girlfriend Experience," which we saw a couple of weeks ago. I assume that "A-Level" just means she can converse intelligently enough to simulate an education. Incidentally, I can't be sure, but I think "Snowballing" is checked, which (if it means what Kevin Smith said it did in Clerks) I'm not sure about, given that "Cum In Mouth" is an X.

I realize that this may be more information than you wanted. But I feel it's my responsibility to relay to you all the details.

Anyway, the agent is setting up a threeway, although she hasn't rounded up Girl Number 2 yet. The usual suspects are all busy, and one of them is seeing Les Miserables for what we're given to believe is the millionth time. You know, there's a prostitute in that movie. She dies almost immediately and her child is taken away from her. I'm just saying, I'm not sure that's the most uplifting thing to watch for someone in that profession. Although I guess they'd get tired of watching Pretty Woman over and over again.

The big news, though, is who the client is: it's Ashok, whom you might remember from the Girlfriend Experience that I referred to a couple of paragraphs ago. Belle is shocked that someone who's been paying to have sex with her "every second Wednesday since I started" now wants to pay to have sex with other people. Out in the bridal store, women are squealing in a way that feels more "bridal shower" than "trying on dresses" to me. Belle takes us to the opening credits with "It's not that I don't enjoy going down on girls. It's just that I never really enjoy going out with them."

Hmm. Ben is at the bridal store, complaining that Belle is supposed to be helping him find a suit. So I guess she's just trying on dresses for the fun of it. She makes fun of the suit he's picked, which is a cream-colored number. When Ben informs the Bridal Store Lady that Belle is not the bride, Belle sulks at the camera for a bit.

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Secret Diary of a Call Girl

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