Secret Diary of a Call Girl

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Monty Ashley: A- | Grade It Now!
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Take This Job and -- Wait! Come Back!

Belle panics in the bathroom and tells us that testing her on French was unfair, since she took German and Spanish. When she returns, the Diamond Girls are conferring. Belle tries to take control of the situation, apologizing for her French (in which she called London a small, picturesque town) and says that she's strong, a feminist (name-dropping Simone de Beauvoir), and very, very good at what she does. Anna likes her, and she's in!

On the phone (to Ben's voicemail) Belle burbles that she needs new clothes, another language, and photos. Then it's off to her agent to lay down the law and stomp out. The agent calls her back to the table, though, for last week's take. Then she makes a big show out of giving her a receipt.

Ben takes photos of Belle. She tells us that courtesans show cleavage, but not nipples. Then she demonstrates some poses for making your legs look longer or hiding your tummy. And you can look much classier by going monochrome. Then she's appalled that Ben deletes the photos off his camera, but I think he's just being sensible. Sure, his fiancée shouldn't look on his camera, but what if she borrows it? Better just to skip that entire conversation. Ben tells Belle that he and Vanessa are looking for a house in St. Albans (which is where The Young Poisoner's Handbook is set, if you're ever looking for a great black-humor movie. At least, I thought it was funny.). Belle and Ben reflect on how Ben's going to be an actual married grown-up, while Belle's going to be what Ben calls "an über-whore".

Back in Mitchell Rothman's place, Mitchell is pleasuring Belle and gives her the apartment. That's not a euphemism for some exotic oral sex technique -- I mean he actually offers her the actual apartment they're in. She freaks out ("My own see-through stairs!") and we cut to her packing. I bet now she wishes she hadn't completely redecorated twice for that S&M episode. She could have just left everything in boxes at some point. Her mother is helping her pack, so she has to make up something about the "L.A. office". There's a book that her mother used to read to Belle when she was a baby, and Belle has no sentimental attachment to it at all, telling her she should give it to Jackie (her sister) for the baby. Her mother tells her that she's always felt shut out of Belle's life.

Belle's father, however, give Belle a hug in the new apartment. He's proud of her. Back to Ben and Belle in the old apartment, and Ben has gotten her a cactus. Also, we learn that Belle finds all fish "strangely depressing". Huh. Belle tells us that now that she's at the top of the profession, she's in charge. She sorts through applicants, does phone interviews, and follows those up with in-person talks. She comes down her see-through stairs and Mitchell tells her she doesn't want more than four clients. "The more guys a courtesan sees, the less prestigious she is". I think there's a point at which our encyclopedic knowledge of how the courtesan business works can come off as creepy.

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Secret Diary of a Call Girl

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