Sex and the City
All Or Nothing

Episode Report Card
Owen: C+ | 1 USERS: B+
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All Or Nothing

In lieu of continuing to make fun of the usual title sequence featuring the unflatteringly costumed, garishly made-up, and harshly photographed Sarah Jessica Parker (who's the show's producer, so what gives?) this week, I'll use this space to wish my fellow recapper Nicole a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Rock on, girlfriend.

We begin the show with Carrie's voice-over. This week she's not continuing to brag about being a sophisticated, worldly Manhattanite, but is crowing instead about being in a relationship that's so wonderful she's "comfortable enough to leave it for an evening." Carrie is necking with Cuckold in the Morning at his apartment. They claim their respective tongues for a moment to discuss Carrie's big night out with the Fab Foursome. CIM wonders what the "gals" talk about when they're together. Do they talk about "the boys"? Carrie confesses that they do. CIM says that such talk is "men's greatest fear." Carrie always thought that fear was "hair loss." CIM says he has no such problem, and shakes the dandruff out of the fifty-seven remaining hairs on his head in front of Carrie's face to prove it. Carrie strokes his ego and assures him that he certainly doesn't suffer from hair loss. Carrie kisses him goodnight and this scene, establishing that the lies are flying right and left out of Carrie's mouth when she's around Cuckold of the Morning lately, is over.

This weird, doot-doot-doot synthesizer keyboard "porn actors stripping down before the action" music follows Carrie out onto the street. She's walking along in grey chinos cinched with a skinny black belt, a white bedazzled jeans jacket with too-short sleeves, and a tank top with a blue sky and clouds pattern and ripped red fabric tufts bolted to it at the neck, making me think that Carrie made it out of something that CIM was in the middle of re-upholstering. Carrie VOs more boasts about her "luck" and her "amazing boyfriend with a full head of hair" (snicker) when suddenly she gets a "D'OH!" look on her face and shudders all actressy in the middle of the street while clutching her head, and the sound suddenly goes to a loud, amplified heartbeat while we see short snippets of her hotel room tryst with Big the week before. What's with the heartbeat? Did she kill him afterwards and put him under the floorboards like in that Poe short story? I'm waiting for Carrie to VO something about "The Telltale Hard-On."

Cut to Samantha's loft. Carrie is drinking champagne with the girls and praising Sam's new digs. The other Foursome members are all glammed up, especially compared to Carrie in that truly ugly tie-dyed ripped-up layered tank top and chinos. We hear more praise about the fabulousness of the Meatpacking District, and I'm wondering who at this show got a great deal on a new apartment by putting all these plugs in the recent episodes. Samantha serves the girls some "baby quiche" -- hopefully not made from real babies -- and brags that she had the food and the wine and the DVD they'll be watching later all delivered from this great new service. She even got condoms delivered the night before. Miranda wonders if Samantha fucked the deliveryman. Samantha seems a little bit miffed that the idea would pop into Miranda's head, although I don't think it's too ludicrous too imagine that when it comes to deliveries at Samantha's loft, if the Webvan's a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'. She tells them she screwed a hot guy from her gym instead, and the "condoms came a lot faster than he did." Samantha thinks the Foursome should celebrate, because they truly "have it all -- great apartments, great jobs, great friends, great sex." Charlotte pees on Samantha's parade a bit by dissenting; she thinks that "having it all means having someone to share it with." Samantha calls Charlotte "Barney," although the correct pop culture source of Charlotte's kitschy statement is that great Bad Movie We Love Mahogany, in which the Diana Ross character discovers that "Success is nothing without someone in your life to share it with." Charlotte starts to blather about how marrying Kyle is making her life "complete" and starts to praise her great new mother-in-law also, but Samantha ignores her, opens up her window and screams, "You see us, Manhattan? WE HAVE IT ALL!" One of those "true" New Yorkers that Carrie is always VOing about replies, "Fuck you!" Samantha hollers back, "You're next!" er, "You wish!" She takes a swig of champagne from the bottle as the rest of the Fab Foursome titters behind her.

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Sex and the City

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