Cut to Steve at the free clinic. He's wringing his hands, looking worried. The doctor informs him that he has to drop his trousers. Steve says that's not necessary; he's just there to get the "test." Just how dumb is Steve supposed to be, anyway? The doc holds up a swab and tells Steve that the test involves taking a sample from inside of his penis. Steve plotzes.
Carrie voice-overs that Steve was "facing what every man dreads," which is one of the few generalizations that she's made on this show with which I completely agree. Then she voice-overs that Miranda was doing "what every woman dreads;" making a list of her past sexual partners.
Cut to Samantha strutting into the elevator in her building. It actually has an elevator guy in a uniform pushing the buttons for the tenants! Does this job really still exist? Carrie voice-overs that Samantha's number of sexual conquests was "way up there," but Samantha didn't think most people knew this. Cue the other elevator occupant, a matron who's clutching her poodle and sneering at Samantha, to harsh at her, "We know it was you who buzzed in the gunman." Samantha gapes. The matron bitches about Samantha's many gentlemen callers: "Every time I'm in the elevator, you're with a different man." Samantha retorts that the allegation is "ridiculous." Then the show's usual chicka chicka boom boom porno soundtrack music starts up and we see a flashback montage of Samantha's elevator couplings. First she's macking with a guy she seems to have picked up from the gym, then Samantha's hanging all over a guy who's dressed like Keith Richards for Halloween, and finally Samantha's giving a guy in a business suit a supposedly clandestine hand job while Molly Matron stands in front of them, clutching her poodle. The elevator stops, and the anachronistic elevator attendant tells Samantha that they've reached her floor. Samantha awakens from her reverie.
Cut to Miranda in her office, calling up the guys on her list, bearing the bad tidings. Her secretary pops in to tell her that someone named David is holding. Miranda picks up the line and greets him. He's another lawyer who bitches at her for taking up his valuable time. Miranda tells him that she has chlamydia. David says he's already been tested. Miranda wonders if he had it. David yells at her that his diagnosis is "none of [her] business" but yes, he had it. "So what?" Miranda thinks that he gave the STD to her. David wonders if Miranda will "sue" him. Luckily, this isn't Ally McBeal, where this civil lawsuit would be tried in the latter half of the show in salaciously quirky detail. Miranda suddenly remembers why she stopped seeing David in the first place, and hangs up in a huff.