Sex and the City
Attack Of The Five Foot Ten Woman

Episode Report Card
admin: B- | 2 USERS: A+
Attack Of The Five Foot Ten Woman

So the show starts off with Carrie telling us about how much she loves Sunday brunch because you get to eat eggs at noon with an alcoholic drink, and get to read the "single woman's sports pages, the New York Times Wedding Section." Okay, when did marriage become a sport? If my husband isn't performing to my expectations, can I trade him for a better "player"? Do I get a bonus if I "score" a lot during a season? Will there be playoffs? So the girls are brunching, and Charlotte is reading her section of the "sports" page and is upset when she reads that a woman gave up her job after getting married. The other girls are just as appalled that a woman would want to leave the workplace, and Miranda tells them, "It's so retro! Okay, I've got a big rock on my finger, now I can stop pretending to care about my career!" Hey, retro is in -- just look at Carrie's clothes! Carrie theorizes that the women that give up their careers marry the "Roman-numeral guys." Charlotte confirms Carrie's theory when she reads that the woman who gave up her job married a man named Charles Duffy Anderson IV. Samantha has found that the higher the number, the worse they are in bed, and tells the girls that she was with a guy who was a III, and he could barely get it up. Miranda wonders how bad Henry VIII must have been, and Carrie is all, "You give him head, he cuts yours off!" Da dum dum! Charlotte is still reading and turns the page, gasps, and then folds up the paper. Samantha takes the paper and opens it up, and they see Mr. Big and Natasha. Carrie tells them it is fine, and that she has prepared for it, but of course the girls don't believe her and try to make her feel better.

Charlotte goes to Carrie's apartment with her, and you can now see the full ensemble Carrie has on. Blue plaid pants with fringe on the sides, and a red plaid shirt with ruffles on the collar and cuffs. Owen called me and told me he now knows what "Cranky Pants" look like in real life. ["And these are those special ultra-tight, high-water 'Cranky Pants' I've heard about, too." -- owen] I put together an outfit like that once, and when I walked out of my bedroom to show my mother, she made me go back and put on matching clothes before she took me to my second-grade class. Charlotte doesn't seem to be phased at all that her friend looks like the newly elected president of Clown College (tm owen) and tries to take Carrie's Sunday newspaper so she won't read the article on the Big Wedding. But the dueling plaids hypnotize Charlotte, and she agrees to sit down and read the article with Carrie. Charlotte reads out loud as Carrie sits next to her with a martini, and Charlotte tells her Natasha and Big met in Paris when he sent over a bottle of wine to her table, and by the time the bottle was finished they were in love. Carrie is waving her martini around and exclaims, "Yeah, she was drunk and he was rich." Charlotte reads on about Natasha wanting a small, intimate wedding of fifty people -- just family and friends. Carrie says she doesn't hear Big anywhere in the article, and that it sounds like he was just along for the ride. Well, duh! Weddings aren't about the groom -- they're about the bride's mother showing off her party planning skills! Charlotte reads, "When she walked down the aisle, a saxophone played 'When a Man Loves a Woman.'" And she's all, "Well, that's tacky." Carrie is all, "No, that's Big." And puts her head in her hands and starts to cry, and when she puts her head down the bun on her head is a totally different color than the hair around her face and it looks like she has a cheap hairpiece hanging on top of her head. Carrie then starts complaining that she is upset about the wedding, and Natasha, and tells Charlotte that "she's shiny hair, style section, Vera Wang, and I'm, you know, the sex column they run next to ads for penile implants." Carrie starts crying some more and Charlotte just looks at her and looks sad. Well, Carrie, if you want shiny hair all you have to do is stop overprocessing it.

Carrie's voice-over tells us that after ten years, "Miranda finally opened herself up to a relationship . . . with a cleaning lady." So Miranda is in her kitchen looking for her coffee mug and she asks Magda the cleaning lady where the mugs are, and Magda tells her that she rearranged her cabinets so all the glassware would be together, and then Magda tells her that she brought her herbal teas because that is better than coffee, and a rolling pin to make pies because women should make pies. Miranda looks a little horrified, and all of a sudden the kitchen turns into a clothing store and Miranda is asking Carrie if she owns a rolling pin. Carrie is all, "Are you kidding me? I use my oven for storage." With Carrie's taste in clothes, I could just imagine the culinary atrocities that would come out of her kitchen if she actually cooked. Miranda starts telling her about the cleaning lady and about making pies, and Carrie goes into a dressing "booth" (it wasn't a room away from the clothing, it was just a part of the room sectioned off by curtains) and as Miranda is talking to her, Natasha comes out of the other booth and stands in front of the mirror checking out the dress she just tried on. Miranda looks shocked, and Carrie tells her that she needs a smaller size of what she is trying on. Miranda says, "Sorry, Carrie, they don't have a size smaller than zero!" to try to get Carrie to not open the curtain. Just kidding, but you know she was thinking it. She tells Carrie that she will get the other dress for her, but Carrie just walks out from behind the curtain in her underwear and sees Natasha. Um, Carrie, if you are going to walk out into the store to find another dress, don't you think you should have some clothes on? All of a sudden Carrie becomes modest and tries to cover herself with the dress, and she tries some small talk with Natasha. She congratulates Natasha on the wedding, and then tells her that the dress she has on is nice. Natasha tells her she needs something for the "Women in the Arts" luncheon that she is on the steering committee for, and Carrie tells her that she goes to that luncheon every year, so they plan on seeing each other again at the luncheon.

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Sex and the City




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