Credits. Cha cha. Splashy bus.
Carrie VOs that she's been dating "the Russian" for two months, and they've reached a "relationship benchmark so rare that [she] didn't even know it existed." Alek gives her the security code to his apartment. This is all so lame on so many levels. An automated alarm keypad code? Is a "rare relationship benchmark"? And this is like he's giving her a key to his heart or something? Oh. Oh. Seriously, Carrie is so lame.
Carrie continues to kvell as he produces her a set of keys he had his assistant make for her. Oh, wow. The key-giving is a little intense. Recently I got really drunk and thought about giving my, um, partner a set. But I was really drunk, and I regretted saying it later, much like I regretted telling the bald guy with the muttonchops in overalls at the local bar that I thought he looked handsome. Well, maybe I was only embarrassed for being so drunkenly gushy, when I had no intention of backing my statements up with anything solid. Carrie finishes blabbering about reaching a "new level of security" in her relationship, and I roll my eyes for the third time in two minutes. Maybe I should get a koosh ball to hurl at the screen every time Carrie annoys me. Maybe I should get a case of them.
Carrie finishes gushing, "And then he gave me the security code to his apartment! Like it was NOTHING!" Then we see who she's talking to; it's Sam, in an open-front hospital gown. Oh my dogg, Carrie is nattering about THAT when Sam's having a post-lumpectomy breast exam? Annoying! Carrie asks if Sam really wants to hear about this, and Sam says emphatically, "Yes." Come on, now. Hey, Samantha Jones, with cancer, wouldn't you want to talk about what you're going through right now? I mean, what better way to connect with all the 180,000 women that have breast cancer in America today than to describe what you're feeling. rather than hear Carrie's bullshit? Twice? Carrie's in green bellbottom pants and red Marc Jacobs heels, and a shrunken brown blazer. Sam's in the gown, bellbottom pants that are Homer Simpson blue, and orange-y red stilettos. Sam's all, so, Petrovsky? Carrie excitedly describes how Big made her beg for a key in front of his doorman, and Alek was all, here's the key and keycode, babeski! Sam's smiling at her and touching her neck like she wants to strangle herself. Carrie slobbers, "Did I tell you about the extra robe in the bathroom?" Sam says perkily, "Is it as nice as this one?" Her paper gown is limp and awful. Carrie says hers is definitely nicer. Shut up, Carrie.
Sam's doctor walks in imperiously. Carrie jumps at attention like she's Gomer Pyle or something. Well, goll-lly! It's a doctor and stuff! He says he has good news: the scans are clean, and Sam's classified at stage one. Sam's all, "That's the best, right?" Yes, it's the Chanel of cancer types. The Hermes, the Dom Perignon. The doctor recommends a round of "chemo" anyway, "just to be safe." Sam doesn't really like that idea too much. Then the guy feels her boob to see how the healing process is coming along. She says, "I don't understand what happened to me," and she honestly sounds like she doesn't. How can you explain cancer? The doctor casually explains that it could be genetic, except Sam doesn't have any instances of cancer in her family, so it could be "diet or lifestyle choices." Sam's all, how's that? Well, the doctor says in that maddeningly, smug, indisputable way, statistically, "women who haven't had children are more likely to get certain types of cancer." Sam's all, excuse me? "So I brought this on myself?" Uh oh. I understand how angry she is immediately. When I was 16, a doctor sat me down and told me that studies had shown that going on the pill reduces certain types of breast cancer. Now, the pill is to be used as birth control. Women with very heavy periods sometimes take it to regulate their flow. But I never heard of anyone taking the pill because it might statistically reduce their chances of developing certain kinds of breast cancer. It's ridiculous! And this guy is telling Sam to get chemo even though all her scans are fine, and then suggesting that her childless self is at least partially responsible for growing this cancer! Sam draws herself up and says she's going to a woman doctor -- "a HOT woman doctor, who understands what THIS" -- she gestures to her torso in a grand, circular gesture -- "is ALL ABOUT!" She turns away to get dressed, then whirls back to face him and says, "You're lucky to have touched my breasts!" GO SAM GO! Sam grabs her coat, orders Carrie to grab her purse, fixes the doctor with another stern look, then sweeps out. Carrie practically curtseys to the doctor. "Nice to meet you."