We begin the episode with Carrie's voice-over informing us that Charlotte's Insta-Wedding is only a week away. Miranda is freaking because not only is she 34 and a bridesmaid, but also dateless for the big event. So we see her at a singles function where men and women are organized in pairs and participating in seven different eight-minute "mini-dates" each, with the partner switches announced with a bell ring. Carrie VOs that Miranda was only charged $20 for this event, which seems to be a bargain price to me considering how most dating services gouge the lonely and desperate, but we can see that the experience is also costing Miranda untold amounts of esteem loss and grief. A hotshot guy sits in front of her and speed-talks a lot of boasts about his investment career and Ivy League education and fluency in foreign languages, then gives Miranda (or "Mandy," as he smarmily calls her) a minute to try to one-up him. He loses interest the moment she says she's an attorney, because I guess Wall Street brokers are so reputable. Whatever. Then we see a montage of Miranda getting increasingly despondent as the bell rings and she reveals her profession to a series of mini-date men who don't even disguise their disgust with her and just frown and look monumentally dismissive. Miranda reaches her breaking point with the last guy, a bland Zeljko Ivanek lookalike, and tells him that she's a stewardess. He raises his eyebrows and leans forward in fascination as the bell sound effect chimes repeatedly. Oh, for the love of Mike, just add a GODDAMN LAUGH TRACK to this show already. Groundbreaking sitcom, my ass.
Then we're at Charlotte and Kyle's rehearsal dinner, where Miranda, Samantha, Carrie, and Chris in the Morning are all seated at the same table. ["And why is the rehearsal dinner like a week before the wedding? Usually the wedding rehearsal is a day or two before the wedding, and the dinner is after rehearsal. Since Charlotte arranged this wedding with almost no time to spare, could she not get a restaurant reservation close to her wedding date?" -- Nicole] Miranda has told Carrie about her "stewardess" experiment; she's used it to prove that "men are threatened by women with powerful jobs." She adds, "Men don't want a lawyer, they want a --" "Liar!" CIM interjects, then smirks as if he said something especially witty. Carrie looks uncomfortable when he says this, and she helpfully provides exposition in VO about how she was still keeping her recent affair with Mr. Big secret from CIM, as if we'd forgotten. Miranda, looking pretty foxy in a sapphire blue strappy cocktail dress although her hair is back to flaming red and the cut is a bit too Carol Brady for my taste, ignores CIM's interruption and brags that she got a date by using this flight attendant ruse. Then Samantha, who's wearing this ugly black low-cut gown with a pleated top that makes her shoulders look about four feet wide and needs to be sent back to Geena Davis's 1986 wardrobe already, makes one of her usual attempts at ribaldry by giving an example of how she makes the statement "I work in PR" convey the meaning "I give great head." Carrie tries to shield CIM from this raunchy repartee. Yeah, I would be embarrassed if my boyfriend had to hear this, too; not because it's raunchy, but because it's so lame. Miranda brings the subject back to her date, and says that he's an ER doctor at New York University. CIM says, "Yeah, but you see, you can't date the guy now because you lied to him." Miranda says she'll tell him eventually, and "besides, if he got upset, he'd look completely shallow." Carrie adds that if Miranda confessed to the guy, "[she'd] look schizo." Why does this scenario seem so familiar? Oh, yeah, because it reminds me of this girl who was interested in this guy who designed furniture so she stalked him at his store and lied to him that she was a designer, too. Oh, and then she lied to him about quitting smoking. And then she lied to him about being faithful. For the life of me, I can't remember where I heard that story. Oh well. My point? Maybe Carrie should find that girl and warn her about pathological lying, lest this girl appear "schizo" to her boyfriend and ruin their relationship.
Kyle clangs a butter knife against a water glass and stands up and blathers about the upcoming nuptials. He re-establishes his "momma's boy" rep by crowing about finding Charlotte and adding, "See, Mother? I told you I'd become a 'we' sooner or later." Hmmm. Then he proposes a cringe-inducing "wee toast" to a cousin of his who traveled all the way from Edinburgh to be a groomsman. There's a cut to guy with shoulder-length hair and a beard and an unintelligible brogue who gargles out something about coming across the Atlantic to bring "ye good Scotch." Samantha exclaims, "Yum!" and announces her intention of making, uh, a nightcap out of this Scotsman. Kyle finishes his toast by publicly declaring his love for Charlotte and saying "All righty then! Let's eat, drink and be merry." Clink, clink, clink. Kyle and Charlotte mack. CIM snuggles with a guilty-looking Carrie. Miranda bitches that Charlotte looks "so damn happy." Samantha expresses her unhappiness at being a bridesmaid. Carrie feels for the groomsmen, who have to wear kilts. Samantha says…well, I'm sure everybody can guess how Samantha would react to a man in a loose-fitting, potentially genital-revealing piece of apparel like a kilt, so I won't bother to repeat what she said. Miranda wonders if it's true that men don't wear anything underneath the garment. Samantha goes on a fact-finding mission that leads her over to Groundskeeper Willie's table. She introduces herself. He brogues something indecipherable about his visit to New York. Carrie VOs that Samantha couldn't understand him, "but if his tongue could do that to his 'r's, she wondered what it could do to her." Thus a mattress is thrown into the back of the Welcome Wagon, and Samantha offers to "show [him] around town."