Sex and the City
Great Sexpectations

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Alex Richmond: C- | 1 USERS: A+
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Great Sexpectations

Credits. Cha, cha-cha, cha-cha. Cha, cha-cha, cha-cha. Cha, cha-cha, cha-cha, cha-cha, whee, go xylophone! Splashy bus! Cha cha cha.

Carrie's first VO of the evening makes me certain the rest of this, the second episode of the last ever season of Sex & The City, will be too cutesy-poo for me to stomach: "The only thing better than the first few bites of a great burger are those first few dates, with someone named Berger." Hork. We zoom past an awning that reads "RESTAURANT" and see Carrie and Berger inside, chowing down on -- guess what? Right. Burgers. Why couldn't his name have been Bealty, or Tyunamilt, or Pirogue? Berger is just so on the nose. I know, I'm so mean, hating on the puns the second ep in, but it's Sunday night and I've got my hate-ah hat on. There, I told you I'm hating. Do I get points for honesty?

Berger tells a story about how his own mother heckled him at one of his readings at Barnes and Noble, and then tenderly wipes away a blob of ketchup on Carrie's lip. Aww. Then she takes another massive bite and girlishly wipes the corners of her mouth. Berger says huskily, "You like your beef." Hork. Carrie VOs about how everything is "fresh" and "new" and "foreplay," and HORK. Okay, reason one why this show is ceasing production: Even a dog living in the apartment of someone who's watched this show more than once knows that not every romantic undertaking can be fresh and new FOREVER.

Carrie VOs that "even a trip to Bed Bath & Beyond can become an ecstatic errand." Hey, I have the second shower curtain they showed in my bathroom. I feel so, um, like a person who owns a shower curtain. My mom owns the map one. It's really out of date. It has Burma on it and shit. Berger and Carrie debate the merits of having a fish shower curtain. Berger says he has the map one, but "China is covered in mold." Maybe that's how SARS spread.

And the "first kisses" are hot, according to Carrie's VO. The couple smooch fiercely in a restaurant, as the staff put up chairs on tables and turn out the lights. Carrie says she wants Berger in her "bed, bath and beyond."

Then, cut to them having very dull sex. The most unhot sex I've ever seen. Missionary pose, with smallish thrusts. Carrie winches up her forehead and stares at the ceiling as if she's looking for the drops of rain, but is actually being hit by air conditioner condensation that falls on you when you're walking down the sidewalk. It's not pretty.

The four girlfriends convene at Raw, a "hot" restaurant where they don't cook the food above 118 degrees. Miranda is aghast at the idea of eating "raw vegetables" and uncooked vegan non-dairy food. "People! The emperor has no oven!" Carrie giggles, then stifles a yawn. Sorry, she was up having totally boring sex the night before. Sam asks, "Did you finally bugger Berger?" Yes. She had him on a roll. His buns were magnificent. Anyway. Char applauds Carrie's achievement. But everyone looks askance when Carrie says that the sex was "fine" and that she "really [doesn't ]want to talk about it."

The girls go to their table; it looks like Mir and Carrie are wearing variations of the '30s-esque Marc Jacobs looks from winter 2002, while Char has on this heinous Victorian bustier which displays her tan lines to great disadvantage. Not only is Sam drinking an appletini (gag), she has on this strange purple fur throw. Very strange looks on the girls. Everyone stares at Carrie, waiting. Carrie peruses the menu, then says she doesn't know what the problem was; they chat well in restaurants, and the kisses are fine. There was just "no sexual chemistry." Char says that "if the kisses were fine, the sex will eventually be good." Carrie says it was "just quiet." Mir asks how quiet. "So quiet [Carrie] heard the M11 bus. [She] heard the doors open, [she] heard people get on, people getting off..." Sam says, "At least someone was getting off," then locks targets on their hot waiter, who's brought over an amuse bouche for the table. He's a handsome, model-y looking blond. Very Levi's low-rise jeans print campaign. Where's his trucker hat, I want to know. If I go to Black Betty next weekend, will I see him there? Probably. Him or someone like him. Sam says she'd like him to "amuse [her] bouche." He was hot, and the soup he brought was not. Mir calls it "lawn in a bowl." I can't believe I'm already so bored, just seven minutes in.

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Sex and the City

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