Oh hooray, HBO "won more Golden Globes than any other network." I'll go get my party hat.
Splashy bus, cha cha cha!
We pan by the hole in Carrie's bedroom wall and some empty shelves before landing on Carrie, toiling at her toilet in jeans and pigtails, plunger in her hand. It keeps flushing on its own, "for no reason." Aidan takes a box and slings a duffel bag over his shoulder, announcing, "That's the last of it." Carrie looks all wan and says in a tiny voice, "Okay." Yeah, now get sad. You can't commit, then boo-hoo when he leaves? Wishy. Washy. He offers to fix her crapper. She's all, that's okay. Oh my Lord, just let him fix the thing. He dives in, and asks her to "hold the ballcock." She goes, "Huh?" Then takes hold of the mechanism IN THE TOILET that he was talking about, gutterminds. It's fixed. He makes to leave, and she says, "Our last words to each other can't be 'ballcock.'" He laughs one sad laugh. She asks him to stay for "another day, or at least forever." What? Come ON now. Aidan says he "can't." Good -- now say goodbye and vamoose, you. Back to Alaska, go on now! She says she "left the ring on the clown table." He says it's hers. She says she should "never have accepted it in the first place." Word infinity. They go back and forth for a bit. I'd have to say, since he called it off, she could keep the ring if she wanted. And fighting about it seems pretty small of her, like seeing it would make her feel badly -- but how would seeing it make him feel? Great? Is he supposed to go out and cruise bars with it in his pocket to whip out and make ladies go "ooh!"? Didn't think so. Carrie gets all verklempt in her rubber gloves, threatening, "If you do or say one more nice thing..." she trails off, allowing me to finish her sentence in a myriad of ways. What will Carrie do? Break his heart some more? Not marry him again? Whack him with the plunger? She'll freak the hell out? She'll GO OFF? It is AAWWN? She fusses around and says she can't watch him leave, so she'll just stay in the loo. And so she does, for three hours. And in the envelope Aidan left for her is not "the goodbye letter," as she thought, but a note from his lawyers. Woo hoo! I mean, "awww."
Over a meal with the ladies, Miranda peruses the letter, saying that Carrie isn't being evicted, but has thirty days to decide if she's going to move out or buy the apartment back from Aidan. Samantha, wearing the butt-ugliest gold pendant of a mudflap girl, pronounces Aidan's tactic "tacky." No, hon, that necklace is tacky. Aidan is forcing Carrie to be a grown-up, for once in her life. It's not nice, but he bought the two apartments for their life together. Now that they don't have a life together, well? Mir tosses out expositionally that "life gets complicated," and that she and Steve are "drawing up papers to time-share [their] kid!" Oh, my. Doesn't that seem rather '90s? Or maybe it's too Tom-and-Nicole for my taste. If I ever produce offspring, there has to be someone with me to help raise it. That, or I'm adopting an eight-year-old, so it's, like, already halfway raised. Then when the kid ever gets lippy, I can be like, "Hey! No one else WANTED you! I RESCUED your ungrateful ass! You had better remember what side of your bread has Nutella on it and smarten UP!" Carrie starts whining and creasing her forehead, and Mir calls Aidan's decision "more than fair." Carrie is all, "I'm homeless! I'll be a bag lady! A Fendi bag lady, but a bag lady." Oy, with the melodramatics. Charlotte is all, why not buy your place? Carrie goes, "I'm not a buyer, New York is a city of renters." That is so stupid. Every other woman at the table is all, I don't rent. Carrie cocks her giant marsupial head at Char and is all, you didn't BUY your place, you got it in a settlement. Char gets head-swivel-y right back and says, "Ohh, I PAID for that apartment." Yeah, she did. In a sense. Miranda farts. Everyone is all, eww. Sam asks that she control her ass action because farting (at the table, and in general) is "unappetizing." Mir says she's "so swollen and gassy!" Hee. Sam whips out her new Chanel wallet, and Carrie plotzes. It was a gift from Richard, says Sam. Char gushes, "He's so totally in love with you!" Sam says he's not, and produces the note that came with the gift as evidence. "Style for style, best, Richard." Ooh, "best." I prefer "yours," if not "love." Mir says, "'Best' is the worst." Hee. Sam says, "'Best' is like signing 'not love'!" Carrie, in her "back to ME now" style, blurts out that Aidan wanted her to keep the ring, but she didn't. Sam calls her "a fool." Did Char ever think about giving her ring back? Char says, "Nooooo!" Carrie said if she had kept it, it would have broken her heart each time she looked at it. Wow, a selfish reason to give a thing back, even! Bradshaw, you've outdone yourself.