Carrie tells us, “That Sunday, Samantha went to church.” Samantha walks up to the priest and asks if she can be of service. The priest tells her that they could use help in the kitchen. Samantha suggests putting on a benefit instead, but the priest tells him that they are low-key; they collect canned goods to feed to the needy. Samantha tells him she loves his robe, and he tells her that he wears it because he is in the Franciscan order, founded by St. Francis. As if the Franciscan order would be founded by St. Bob. He then tells her he has made a vow of poverty and chastity, and when Samantha hears the word “chastity,” her face drops. He gives her a card about St. Francis, and she gives him her card and tells him to call her if he changes his mind about the benefit. Then she slinks away.
Carrie then tells us, “After church, most people go out for pancakes. Samantha isn’t most people,” as Samantha is masturbating in bed and singing "Hallelujah." I’m just not going to comment on masturbating while thinking of a priest. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.
The girls are out for drinks, and Samantha tells them she masturbated all afternoon. Miranda asks her how long she did it, and Samantha told her it was two to two and a half hours, while thinking of Friar Fuck. Charlotte is all disgusted as Samantha tells them her fantasy of the priest accepting the food she is giving to the hungry and then taking her in the middle of the street. Samantha thinks it's fun and healthy, and then asks who they think about when they fantasize. Miranda and Carrie both say “Russell Crowe!” at the same time, and Carrie gives out a high-pitched squeal and yells, “Jinx! You owe me a Coke!” Damn, Carrie, are you trying to live out your childhood again? Will you be giving cootie shots next? Miranda asks who they thought of before Russell Crowe, and Samantha and Charlotte breathily moan, “George Clooney.” I wonder how Russell and George feel knowing that women masturbate while thinking of them in sexual situations. Miranda then tells the girls that she used to masturbate to a busboy who was rude to her, and then asks them what they think it means. I think it helps us understand why she was attracted to the guy in the sandwich costume that told her to eat him. The girls are silent, and Miranda decides that “the cheese stands alone.” Uh, okay. After some prodding, Charlotte tells the girls that she masturbates to Trey, and that they have perfect sex. She then asks them what it means, and the girls just look sad. I think it means you’ll only have good sex in your dreams, Charlotte!
Carrie is sitting in bed, reading a book and wearing baby-shit green legwarmers with a tag that says “Property of Flashdance Costume Department” hanging off the side. The clock turns midnight, and Carrie picks up the phone and calls Big. She gets his machine and babbles about turning thirty-five and tells him she's having a party at Il Cantinore and he is invited.