The MILF dashes into the kitchen and says they need more tuna tartare tartlets out there, stat. The cook looks at her like, what the fuck do I look like, a waiter? Then, the sounds of Sam being fucked waft into the kitchen like the scent of a thousand tuna tartare tartlets gone to pot. MILF rounds the corner and sees Hottie Waiter and Sam going at it, right up against a stack of clean cocktail glasses. MILF screams, "I'm way too fragile to see this right now! You're FIRED!" She splits, and Hottie Waiter keeps thrusting, and Sam keeps moaning.
Back at the party, an eager guest asks MILF if one purse comes in other colors. MILF says, "What do I look like, a fucking department store?" She overturns a rack of hideous bags and screams, "All you bitches get the fuck out of my apartment!" She grabs at a bag in a woman's hand and rips it. "You bitch! I cut up my bedspread for that!" I wonder if this ever happened at the Watergate?
Back at the conversion ranch, a.k.a. Temple Emmanuel, Charlotte is a Me-Firster with her hand always in the air. Carrie VOs that she "took to her conversion classes like a gefilte fish to water." The rabbi tells them to "grieve the loss" of their Christian rituals, because letting go of them can be difficult. Char looks alarmed. Oy.
Mir, in a great-looking red sweater and grayish satin skirt, opens the door for Steve, who's twenty minutes late. He's quick with an excuse about having to help fix Debbie's car -- you know, the girl he's seeing? -- and Mir flinches a bit and says she "doesn't need to know." And next time, he shouldn't be twenty minutes late. Or seeing some girl named Debbie with a busted-ass car. Well, Mir doesn't say that last part. I did.
Char stays after conversion class to talk to Rabbi Minsch about Christmas. "Is it really that important?" Dude, do you know how Hanukah works? I'm sorry -- can Char even spell Hanukah? What I'm saying is, you may make out better in the gift department than with the Christian tradition. Plus, one word: gelt. It's good stuff. Screw candy canes, give me some gelt. The Rabbi says she has to let go of old traditions and embrace the new. Char says she won't go to church, but maybe she could still have a tree? Or caroling? Rudolph? Nope. Carrie VOs that Char will forever think of him as the "Minsch that stole Christmas." OY.
Carrie, in a sleep mask but with no chirping noises, is awakened by the phone. Are you ready for this? It's Big. He starts off strong. "Remember that little red dress you had?" She's all, whuh? I was sleeping. He's all, "You never needed so much sleep before, kid." Oh, so husky and confident. I bet people are screaming right now. Back to the subject at hand: the little red dress. Carrie, having found her bearings, asks, "Versace or Gucci?" The one with the little straps, he rasps. That's Gucci, she assures him. And when he would slip one strap off her shoulder, the other one would fall down too? Yes. Carrie remembers that dress. What about that time Big found her in her closet wearing only high heels and a bra, does she remember that? Yes, Big. Is the water warm enough? Yes, Big. And he came up behind her and put her hands against the wall? Carrie sits up in bed, takes off her sleep mask, and says, "Yes."
Brunch with the girls. I have to say I totally agree with that excellent New York Times Magazine article about how this show makes one long for more time to spend with one's girlfriends. There's a lot of people I'd like to have brunch with every week, or go out to meals with on a regular basis, and there's just no time. Damn you, New York Times Magazine article, for defining another aspect of my life so perfectly! Anyway, in a cute vintage-looking stripy shirt and Cacharel-looking, crazy-print kimono jacket, Carrie spills the beans: she had "accidental phone sex with Big." Oh, is that where that husky voice was going? What a huge surprise. Mir is intrigued, but Char doesn't see why Carrie would need or want to drag all that "Big baggage" out when she's "in a serious relationship with Berger." Carrie says she's not in a serious relationship; she and Berger are just dating. And "it's not baggage, it's Biggage!" Anyway. Big's no more threat to Berger than Lauren is to her. "It's all in the past." She's so confident! Which can only mean one thing: comeuppance. Brady begins to cry, and Mir digs into her diaper bag for a pacifier. She finds a tabloid newspaper and a twelve-pack of condoms. Steve's condoms, for use with Debbie. Carrie cracks, "Where do they do it, Gymboree?" Sam purrs, "Debbie Does Daycare." Heh. Brady gums a (wrapped, mind you) condom, and Mir blanches. Sam reassures her. "Don't worry, I have those in my mouth all the time."