Mir, holding Brady, tries to beg her way out of going to Bed. She thinks hot club openings are for "hot childless people." And she's feeling not so hot at the moment. Carrie badgers her to make it -- "no excuses!" And so Mir hangs up, sighs, and heads to her closet with more than a little trepidation. Towards her No Excuses jeans. Wow, I don't think I've ever seen those on a live person before. And I find it so hilarious that a smart woman like Miranda would wear jeans endorsed by Gennifer Flowers and people of that ilk.
They fit. They're a little Jordache-esque, but still look good. Nice dark rinse, smooth zip. She wears them to the club with a black tank top and a nice narrow double-wrapped brown belt. Mir is ecstatic to be able to fit into her skinny jeans. "The last time they fit was in 1985, and that was because [she] had mono." Sam, in a slashed and sewn New York Dolls shirt -- and I have and wear a pink New York Dolls tank top ALL THE TIME, it's one of my favorite summery tanks -- says that Mir has a "hot ass." Mir says she's never taking her skinny jeans off again, so may she wear them to Charlotte's wedding? Char makes a face, and says she's sorry she ever made a big deal about her second engagement, particularly since they were all there for the first time around. So she wants this wedding to be more low-key. Mir asks, "No denim?" Not even just that. No bridesmaids. Char hopes the girls don't mind. Not even a bit. They all whoop and cheer.
Up into Bed go the girls. Beds are all over the place. Subtle. The staff wears sleep masks and PJs. Mir says that if she had known it would be this authentic, she would have brought her bite guard. I have a bite guard! Did you know that grinding your teeth is called "bruxism"? That would be an awesome Scrabble word score. Wow, I guess I really am Miranda, sans kid. Char asks for a bed for four, and the hostess says they're all out. Then Sam says they're on the VIP list, and the hostess scampers off to get a bed ready. Mir heads off to the ladies' room to stare at her ass in the mirror, and gets bumped into a bed containing a handsome, if nebbishy, guy. He pulls out all the lines ("I didn't even have to buy you dinner.... It isn't often I have such a beautiful woman in bed with me.") and Mir decides to stay for a bit, if he moves over off her side. Go 'randa, it's your birthday!
Carrie, Sam, and Char sit on a bed. Which is right next to a bed with three men on it -- but one of them is Berger's friend. Carrie panics, but she can't just ignore them, since it'll "get back to Berger" that she was "acting childish." So she goes over and is all, hi! They're all, hi, Berger's girlfriend! Is Berger with you? Mmm. No, not exactly. They broke up. This morning. Ohh. Well, says Berger's friend, he knew that they had "lots of problems." Yeah. That. And, says Carrie, he was "terrible in bed." Oh, snap. She just did that. She went there. To his friends. Well, bye! She walks off, and the three dudes instantly lean in and confer. Carrie strolls back to the bed with her friends on it and says, "Remember that nasty answering machine message? I just left it with his friend." Sam says it's understandable, since Carrie's suffering from "Post-It traumatic stress disorder." So Carrie goes back to do damage control and say she didn't really mean it. Berger was great in bed. Fireworks. Kablooie. Every time. She just said that cause she's hurting right now. And she doesn't want to drag the friend into this, but Berger broke up with her via a Post-It. The friend, Billy, just nods. Carrie is amazed at his underwhelmed reaction. Well, how was he supposed to break up? Face-to-face? YES, says Carrie. Another friend says, "Yeah, right." Because women get "all psycho." Carrie proceeds to go all psycho on the three hapless, clueless, luckless men as to why women go psycho. The guys just stare at her. Then she goes back to her girlfriends, downs the rest of her champagne, and makes them all leave.