"The problem is that Ian's been avoiding us all day, and, uh, someone's got to get a beatdown 'til we find him." No exceptions, sadly, and Lip just kind of throws his shoulders back and smiles, and even before he says what he's going to say, Karen grins and moves out of the way, because it's going to be like this: "Maybe Mandy's confusing Ian with any one of the other 400 dudes in the tenth grade she's already blown?"
Quite the St. Crispin's way to go out, bro. But I mean: Mickey Maguire, man. I don't even know how you make Mickey Maguire make sense as an American. (If you ever do, won't you send him the fuck my way.) And is that Noel Fisher from The Riches? Where do I know this kid from? This whole show is great with that; tonight we also got out-and-proud Jillian Armenante, aka the screaming lady from the time Christina Ricci blew up Meredith Grey, and also the foster home lady from when Cameron turned back into Allison from Palmdale.)
Right before Tony shows up again, Fiona brings Liam home to find "Aunt Ginger" in her dress at the kitchen table, wearing garish makeup and sporting a giant boner in her muumuu. This show has so many boners.
Awkwardly, Tony's opening greeting is, "It's me, the virgin!" So I guess we're going to talk about that. Like, um, how come you didn't tell me about that beforehand? Not that it was unlawful or ethically bad or anything, just a little bit of a responsibility, and obviously Fiona wouldn't have fucked him if she knew it was his V card, because she wasn't actually fucking him, she was anti-fucking Steve, which makes it all real weird.
Tony gets her to agree his dick is bigger than average, and then downplays it in the same really cute, believable way -- "Joni always wanted to wait 'til we got married, then she gave it up to Dickie Dolan, night before he shipped out for Fallujah, lost his leg. Uh, almost did it with Houlie's sister Christmas Eve, but she was too drunk. And Katie Jordan was super Catholic, so she'd only let me stick it in her b..." -- and that's how you know Tony's going to be mostly okay, at least for now.
Except for the neighborhood bitches did tell Tony's mom about it, and so he has invited Fiona to dinner, I guess to make things even more fucked up by sticking them in a room together. And then he says the magic words, or what would be the magic words if Steve didn't steal cars for a living: "You don't have to run away from me, Fiona. I get you. I get your family." And also, Miss Lisa married them at the Little Red Schoolhouse when they were five, which is adorable.