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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
The Teenage Guide to Popularity

Which is a retreat from aggression in a way, because it's a funny prank and not outright coldness; but you also get Debbie's exasperation when Frank selfishly snags the next one they've cooked up. Everybody loves their breakfast, even Carl who is now microwaving his action figures together; Ginger asks about Frank and Debbie just shrugs. "That's my dad."

Ian is lying in wait across the street from Mickey's house when Lip finds him, and there's a funny little gasp moment before Ian relaxes and explains that his plan is apparently to knock Mickey out with the Killing Bat, and then the other brothers will beat him to death. Good plan, Ian. Lip offers to fight the others off with a brick so he can get away, but Ian says he's already taken enough for him. Lip, of course, is not having that. But then it doesn't matter, because it's not Mickey coming out the house, it's Mandy. For whom neither Killing Bat nor brick makes sense. But then Ian comes up with the smartest plan of all.

He chases Mandy down the alley, and she's screaming how he's a "fucking perv" and "a dead man" and all this, the usual, and then he's just like, "See, I'm gay." Which proves he gets girl psych more than we thought, because that is the one thing tweens have no defense against, because gay dudes are their favorite thing, because to the teen girl mind they're the only thing both more helpless and infantilized, and more sexually tainted, than teenage girls themselves.

Speaking of little girls and the pets they like to adopt, Aunt Ginger is explaining to Debbie how to deal with maple furniture (Step One: Burn it, you fucking hillbilly) when Abby Ruggiero shows up with a hot FBI dude and starts screaming in her face. "MRS. GALLAGHER MY NAME IS ABBY AND I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS." Ginger says these exact words right back to her, and it kind of sets the tone for the rest of their conversation. The first lucid thing she says: "Oh wait, now I remember! Ricky Ricardo and I did the salsa together one night!"

The first annual P-FLAG meeting turns to JT v. JC Chasez ("No, are you kidding? He's totally gay," Ian spits, in the best line of the episode) and all that, and Mandy's like, "First, are you sure about the gay thing. And second, I won't tell anybody. But third, are you making this up to get me off your jock because I am hideous." The exact teen girl things. This paragraph is very true to life. So Ian explains that she is very pretty, which she is, and puts his one hand on her boob and her one hand on his dick and is like: "This is how gay I am, see? No action." Which frankly, I think what this proves is that you require medical attention because who would not get a boner in that circumstance, but "I'm just not wired that way" covers both, I suppose.

Frank's whole point about Abby's promise to come back in six months is sort of valid -- "Yeah, because this is such a great use of government funds" -- goes south by way of Obama's Amerika -- "Hey, maybe next time you can check that my Uncle Harold is taking his Lipitor, oh wait, you canceled his Medicare" -- and anyway, they just hate each other with a spittin' rage and it's funny to be against Abby Ruggiero who is kind of awesome, but especially to be on Frank's side ever, and Fiona wrestles the SS check away from him for the gas bill, hilariously grunting and dodging, and then just to make the scene perfect we swerve back to Debbie on the couch and Aunt Ginger's cutest thing yet: "I also danced with Cab Calloway. He had the first colored penis I ever kissed."

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