Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 6 USERS: D

Lip, Ian and Karen are smoking in the bathroom, and when she asks if they're going to the Conferences tonight they both laugh. "Need a parent for that, don't you?" Talk turns to Lip's consistent writing of A-grade papers and book reports: "You just take any novel, no matter when it was written, and you argue that the main character is a latent homosexual. No, seriously! Most English teachers are either gay and agree, or they're straight, but too scared to disagree and get labeled as intolerant."

Hmm. I pulled that one a few times, back in the day. It was always either the gay thing or comparing things to Clockwork Orange, or usually both. Those were my only real interests, besides military history and unicorns and linguistics. Frank Gallagher is a latent homosexual, so his entire dildo storyline is not actually a bigoted mess. Nancy Botwin is a latent homosexual, so her total horribleness is a revolutionary political move. Nurse Jackie is a latent homosexual, because that entire show is one giant not-so-latent homosexual. Dexter is a latent homosexual, because have you ever seen that show Dexter.

Two giant football players come in, one of whom got a 1870 on the SAT thanks to Lip -- "I'll most definitely be a beer swillin', roofie slippin', fightin' Illini next year!" -- and the other of whom hasn't gotten his results. Ian tells him to spread the word, and there is a very icky, very real moment where the guy stares him down hatefully and just goes, "Don't tell me what to do." Karen asks why we help the people we hate, and Lip says we're taking our cue from American foreign policy, and between the two of them manage to completely dissipate the weirdly hateful thing that just happened.

Frank comes home to a very much out-of-it Sheila, who makes him take off his shoes despite clearly being on the run; over at the school Fiona's trying to head off tonight's huge Carl problem by approaching the principal directly. They produce a sculpture Carl made of "what he loves about himself," which is a papier-mâché pile of shit. It's gross. Fiona's like, "He's always had a highly developed sense of humor" and the teacher (who is I guess Carl's teacher) totally goes, "Carl's future is speaking to us through art! A dark future, filled with what -- even to the untrained eye -- is a budding psychosis!"

I'm kind of totally into Carl's teacher, she is just nimble in her weirdness. Anyway, they need a parent for reasons we'll learn later that are awful, so even if Fiona's totally the caregiver that's not something she can proxy for. "I've had what seems to be fifteen of you goddamn Gallaghers here at this school, and I have never once met a parent! Not once! Who in the hell is raising this degenerate?" And like, she can't even tell him the truth because the leverage he's already using is a call to social services, which he now makes completely clear, and we already know Blagojevich is waiting in the wings if that happens.

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