Frank Gallagher: Loving Husband, Devoted Father

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Whitesnake Moan

Kash and Ian adjust the four cc cameras so that there's a Bermuda Triangle part of the store, and then they go to that part of the store and fuck, I guess so vigorously that one of the cameras slips back into place and catches them at it. I guess in terms of the Black Snake Moan metaphor we should talk about Kash: Edging out onto the ledge of his sexuality by taking literally the least threatening possible option, something specifically within the confines of his prison, and pretending it's a real relationship.

But Linda's more interesting than he is and will end up just as screwed as he is by this situation, so maybe it'll flip around and be about her. And besides, the whole Mandy beard scenario has already made Kash and Linda functions of Ian's story anyway. (And Ian's next move radicalizes everything anyway. I guess everybody's edging out the door this week, in one way or another.) Any case, the only person weighed down by the same pointless weight of shame -- and therefore in need of relief, regardless of whether he deserves it -- is Kash. Linda and Ian both know exactly who they are.

When Fiona wakes up in his arms, it's clear Steve's been watching TV on mute the whole time. He kids her about how she was talking in her sleep -- "You really opened up, thanked me for taking you away, kept on saying, You were right, Steve, you're the perfect guy for me, I don't know what I would do without you. And something about my penis being enormous and all-powerful." -- and then the guy comes to remind them they have to be out by ten, so Steve takes Fiona down to the hotel pool and they fuck for like one million years.

It's nice because there's no better metaphor for letting go, the water like that, and Sheila's just about got her arms around Liam and she's free, and Ian is about to redefine every relationship at once, which is a nice feeling, but: TV is such a goddamn lie. Swimming pools make everything feel like rawhide, especially guy parts. It's the worst sex place on earth, besides the beach.

What's the best? Well, Ian heads back over to the Milkovich's house for Kash's gun, having once again received that hit of orgasm-related oxytocin that fools him into thinking Kash is a suitable boyfriend, and gets his crowbar on for about five seconds before he and Mickey start tossing each other around the room like a couple of muscly ragdolls -- Nazi Dad still snoring on the couch -- and then finally they are on the bed and Mickey is looking down at Ian like about to break his face in or choke him out, and Ian's looking back up at him wondering if this is how he is going to die and whether Kash will appreciate it and then, something behind both sets of eyes goes click, and then boom, and the clothes are coming off all over the place and they barely even have time to giggle before they're rocking the whole shack: Just a couple of age-appropriate, gun- and crowbar-wielding, black eye-nursing teenage boys, fucking their brains out like God intended.

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