It's Time To Kill The Turtle

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
Real or Not Real

"So," says Ian afterwards, desperate to have a story of his own that doesn't indict him quite so badly, "Guess this was like a booty call, huh?" Mickey, in the grand tradition of boys, is not willing to play that game, and just heads out into the street with a "Whatever, seeya." Ian is such an upstanding young man that it's both invigorating and terrifying to watch him go through what he's about to go through. You walk into these things with your eyes open and -- real or not real? -- and twist so much of it into a more appealing shape, so when it finally falls apart on you, the worst part is watching the way you set yourself up.

Neither by hand nor by mouth will Little Frank respond. I can't handle the constant fact of Frank's junk but I will tell you this: Sheila talks to it in a funny voice.

Embarrassed -- and sad for Sheila, who assumes he isn't attracted to her when he's sober; real or not real -- Frank goes on a long "jog" that is basically him walking down the street talking to himself like the crazy cat lady with the cats all over her from The Simpsons. Eventually Debbie pops up out of nowhere and gives him some Hawaiian Punch, and he goes, "So good! Why's it so good?!" Um, because it is 100% sugar.

A short time later, they've spent all his booze money on a truly epic pile of gross candy and eating themselves sick in that van outside the house. Debs is, of course, in heaven, and once again Frank remembers how awesome she is and how they should just hang out all the time. Real or not real?

Inside the house, Lip and Karen are about to fuck downstairs when she suddenly is like, "What is the nature of our relationship?" There's a whole game of brinksmanship going on here on which they've been zeroing in for a while, where Lip wants more but can't want more and Karen's like entire thing is about never wanting more. So will Lip still like her if she wants to be his girlfriend? And will Karen still likes him if he proves that he's a pussy by liking her? I mean, props to Karen for bringing it up but they're sort in sex Viet Nam right now with no exit strategy. So they agree, both disappointed, that their status is: "Friends who like to do this," and it's sad but can't be helped.

Liam and Fiona finally make it home and she yells at Lip for fucking on the couch, and he points out that she's the one who did it last night on the stairs. "Hallway!" she yells, taking the groceries to the kitchen, and then informs them that Kev and V are bringing Ethel and meat sauce ("Is that a euphemism?") for a big all-family spaghetti dinner. Carl comes home screaming about paintball, face all jacked up, and then Kev comes in crowing about his "daughter." Aww. Veronica corrects him, stone-faced, and Karen just can't get enough of Ethel, because Karen loves trainwrecks. Her eyes go wide and Ethel curtsies like a lunatic and Karen just shakes her head. "Right! Because it's 18th-century England!"

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