Shameless

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Tomorrow People
d all V can say is, "She's beautiful." It's like, there's no question about what's going to happen or what kind of fight they get to have about it, because V's not like that. It's just like, "What are Team Kev & V going to do about this?" They are awesome. The story is that the wife is nuts and a drunk and used to throw plates at him, and he has these scars, and he always wanted to tell her but eventually it just seemed like a horrible dream because he was so young. "Look like a douchebag with that mullet," she says, and it's as close to yelling at him as she's going to get. I don't know why I assumed it would get trashy, I guess I just should be a more trusting person, but either way it's neat.

Later they're hanging out on a porch somewhere upstairs with Fiona, and she comes up with the idea of getting ordained online and doing the marriage herself, because then they can have the wedding and be married, but not married-married, because she'll just forget to file the license, and it won't get flagged. Brilliant Fiona. V's so excited about this that she nearly falls off the railing onto her head, and they all crack up about how bad that would have sucked: "Showing up at your wedding fucking paralyzed and shit?"

Frank's not too worried about the biopsy until Sheila breaks down about it, and Eddie's carrying like a giant cross around the house because his Bible Study group is doing the Passion and whatever, and then when he's gone creepy Sheila leans down and goes, "I have two plots at Oak Woods Cemetery. One was for Eddie. Nothing would make me happier than to bury you in one of them." I hear ya, sister. "Wait there for me," she whispers into his ear and it's so fucking creepy that right then, he decides he's going to die.

Mama's got this preacher who married like their entire family and says crap like, "A cleft palate is merely the mark God leaves when he kisses a person before they're born," which even Mama laughs about ("That girl's mama just skipped the folic acid!"), and then he starts talking about taking them on one of those encounter weekends so they can get right with God or whatever, make sure they're ready, and with barely a look at each other both Kev and V pull on their jackets as a team and go outside to talk about this latest thing.

Veronica thinks it would be hot to fuck at a "church outing," but Kevin reminds her that he's not going to do without the license, so that makes Kevin a felon, and they go back in to say they've already got somebody to perform the wedding. "Is this some kind of healing hands voodoo wheat grass jackass?" she asks, which is just amazing. Anyway, no, that is not happening. Real priest. Even one who says scary crap like, "Just like the honeybee, God has many eyes." And once again, Mama drops the whole father card, reminding Veronica of what's at stake.

Back at the Gallaghers' they are trying to think up the next solution. Lip informs everybody that Sheila wants to make the dress, and that's touching and all, but priest first. Debbie suggests an actor, like the guy who played Elmo at her birthday party, and for once her acting is not completely great, heading into sitcommy precocity with what is admittedly a sitcom-precocious line: "He took his head off. It was traumatizing." Lip suggests taking Carl to see Father Pete the Groper, in the hopes of getting him to go pedo on them, and then Carl walks in with a goldfish in a glass jar, headed for the microwave, and when he catches everybody staring at him he gives the most amazing What.

Ian's late to work at Kash & Grab because he was just made ROTC Cadet Lieutenant Colonel, and as usual Kash's wife is brisk but not unfriendly -- she's gotta take the boys on a Boy Scout trip. Ian's intrigued by the idea of Muslim Boy Scouts, and as usual Linda is not amused by Kash's terrorist jokes ("you learn how to work with chemicals instead of tying knots"), and anyway she's just like, the Troop is sponsored by a Baptist church and so we get to do fun stuff and they get to think we're assimilating. She takes off and Kash is so proud of his Lieutenant Colonel in his little outfit, and then of course you have the whole thing where his family is going to be gone for two nights and they can play house. And who among us hasn't dreamed of that day, the sheer romance, when you finally get to take your underage boyfriend to be a tourist in your married life. It's just like "Norwegian Wood," except with statutory rape.

Which, there's always something lost in translation between the UK and the US with TV shows because the fight about gay things is a little different there, like, a lot of it is centered on age of consent and we don't really stigmatize it in that specific way, which in some ways is lots more respectful -- and cerebral -- than how we do it here, but also comes from a whole long history that we don't really have here either. Our ancestors got out of there before any of this mattered, so we don't have it in our civic DNA to worry as much about comparative ages of consent.

I mean, the end result is the same if you're on the other side of it -- I will use any legal or legislative excuse to make you feel shitty about yourself, because I fear I may myself be gay -- but the reason there's so much of this NAMBLA age stuff on British TV, and never over here (unless it's to prove how completely vile the character is), is because those are the terms in which the fight is fought. It's a part of the conversation you might never know about. Something to consider, and remember, when watching British TV.

The nurse, a pretty young thing, accidentally opens the exam room door onto Frank's crotch, and then makes sure he is undamaged, and then shaves his nutsack a little bit. If you're not shaving the whole thing, how do you know which nut? Actually, how do you know period which one to biopsy? Because the only thing worse than having to think about William H. Macy's scrotum -- and I mean no disrespect, he's not an unattractive fellow and a beloved person of his generation -- is thinking about what if he had three nuts and one of them was deformed enough that you could just tell. Man, balls are the weirdest thing of life.

"You don't have to go too crazy here Sheila [heh], but as close to Vera Wang as you can get." Sheila says how pretty she's going to be, and Veronica feels like Cinderella, and Karen is off. "Screw Cinderella, little doe-eyed bitch. Probably one of the worst role models for little girls." Sheila thinks Cinderella was a feminist, which I guess you could make that point -- since the whole thing is about using disguises and showmanship to highlight the value that was always already there, "magic's in the makeup" etc. -- but Karen's not feeling all that third-wave today.

"The whole idea of marriage is a useless vestige of an archaic civilization." True. They ask how she knows that, besides common sense, and Karen pointedly goes, "I watched one unravel?" Which really has nothing to do with the point, but this whole scene is weird because Karen keeps saying pretty obvious stuff and then getting sidetracked by non sequiturs, like, she points out that in olden tymes marriage was a contract exchanging women for property, and this point is defeated by Fiona going, "You're being a little pessimistic!" It's hard to take seriously a conversation that nobody is actually having; it's just straw men and women. Karen points out that it's just a piece of paper, and Debbie natters on about how the same thing is true of birth certificates and money, and everybody congratulates her on winning that debate, and just in case you thought this conversation had any actual merit, Veronica goes, "Hey Gloria Steinem, enough of the blah-blah."

God, if only somebody'd said that sixty years ago, am I right? Ladies?

...Ladies?

Frank's at a survivor meeting and of course takes it over and I guess cancer can be funny if you don't know what you're talking about.

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Shameless

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