Six Feet Under
A Private Life

Episode Report Card
Aaron: A | Grade It Now!
Yea, though he walk through the valley of the shadow of death

Claire is visiting the guidance counselor/therapist guy at her school, and his diminutive size and oft-noted resemblance to George Stephanopoulos has led me to rename him George Tellmeallyourstuff. He asks Claire why she quit taking jazz, and she explains that the teacher was a crackhead. Really. No, really. He got arrested and everything. "Do your homework," she tells George Shouldhaveknownallthis. Next he asks about the literary magazine, which Claire quit in protest when they decided a cartoon of hers was "too disturbing to publish." Is that a "marry me, Lauren" shout-out? Because if it is, I'd just like to say that [the next three sentences have been deleted at the request of Lauren Ambrose's legal team]. He also asks about the debate team, and anyone who knows me knows that's DEFINITELY a shout-out. Claire complains that "people in this school have the mentality of teenagers," which prompts George Speakstheobvious to point out that she's a teenager as well. Yeah. One envisioned and written by a middle-aged gay man, but that's okay, because it works. George Checkmydoofusness asks Claire what she likes to do for fun, and then reveals that he enjoys bowling with friends, hikes with his girlfriend, and baking. Normally, I'd point out that enjoying "baking" and "hikes with a girlfriend" would ordinarily be mutually exclusive, but since they only mentioned the girlfriend thing so we'd stop thinking he was hitting on Claire, I'll let it go. Claire admits that she sometimes like to make her own fun. "I go online and make up freaky cyber identities," she says. "Sometimes I'm a Scientologist, sometimes I'm a young Christian wife." Of course! Now it all makes sense! Lauren Ambrose is Pontoon! Hi, Lauren! For a final question, George asks if she's dating anyone. "You mean like getting drunk and screwing?" she replies. See? This is why she should marry me. I could come up with a much better date than that. Although it is sorta hard to top a classic. Claire lies and says she's not seeing anyone.

Alan Ball: Man, I wish he'd lay off that "marry me, Lauren" crap. That joke is so dead not even Rico could restore it.
David Chase: Hey, at least he never made you quote TV shows. I wouldn't mind showing him what really happens when people stop acting nice and start getting real.
Alan Ball: Yeah, I know. But there's just these two episodes left and then he's gone, so it's okay.

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Six Feet Under




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