To: Bob Wright, President of NBC
From: Dick Davidson, Director of Development -- Warner Brothers TV
Subject: 2003 Fall Pilots
I've given a lot of thought to that memo you sent a few months back about the challenges a show like The Sopranos poses to network television, so I had the writers down in the dungeon (or wherever it is we keep those long-haired hippie freaks these days) work up a few pilot ideas we could use for a counter-attack. Let me know what you think.
Seven Feet Over
Starring: Gheorghe Muresan and Rebecca Lobo
A half-hour "reality" sitcom about the trials and tribulations of a romance between two basketball stars. Also features frequent cameos by Billy Crystal as their wacky neighbor.
Starring: Luciano Pavarotti, Placido Domingo, and that other fat guy
A team of super-secret crime fighters conducts dangerous missions to prevent (tasteful and low-key) terrorist attacks while struggling to maintain their cover identities as world-class opera singers. Also features frequent cameos by Nathan Lane as their vaguely gay valet.
Becks and The City
Starring: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Biel, and Shannon Doherty
Combines the best of all worlds -- a sitcom set in New York, starlets with big dinners, and plentiful opportunities for product placement. It's especially relevant now that you've decided not to air those hard-liquor ads after all. The lawyers tells me the FCC won't even be able to say 'boo' at this one. Also features frequent cameos by Geena Davis as the older and sluttier member of the foursome.
Starring: Anthony Edwards
America's favorite trauma surgeon returns in the much anticipated Mark Greene spin-off. The hook for this one is that the opening scene each week features the main character getting anally raped by a special guest star. The pilot has a couple of tour-de-force performances by Heathen and Wing Chun as wacky neighbors who witness the rape but just sit around pointing and laughing instead of calling the police.
The Mind of the Married Man
Starring: Mike Binder
I hear HBO might be canceling this one. It's a total pile of shit, but picking up scraps seems to be working for the UPN, so we might want to give it a shot. Besides, it can't be worse than anything else you've aired in that post-Friends slot.