Six Feet Under
Can I Come Up Now?

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Djb: B- | Grade It Now!
The Real Slim Shady

Michelle Trachtenberg and her alternating five or six dancers are at a large rehearsal space somewhere, where they rehearse and lip-synch along to a song apparently called "A Legend In Your Own Mind." But I think if you check the liner notes you'll learn that the full title really is "A Legend In Your Own Mind (A Scene That Exists As A Challenge To Keith's Sexuality, And Doesn't Actually Exist For Any Other Purpose, So Too Bad We Hired All These Dancers Just To Prove A Point, You Know What I Mean, CFO Of The Network?)." It's like the title of the last Fiona album! Anyway, Security Metaphor #1 stands with Keith and asks, "How many of those guys you think she fucked?" to which Security Metaphor #2 responds, "Them faggots too busy fucking each other to even work her in." Security Metaphor #2 then turns to Keith and asks if he'll be coming on the road with them next month, and Keith responds that he does not yet know. Because, you guys, SM2 is really a nice guy once you get to know him if you're not a faggot. So good thing we're not, eh, boys? Now can you move out of the way a little bit? I'm having a bit of trouble seeing the blond dancer.

David welcomes ex-fiancée Jennifer and her new fiancé Greg into the funeral home. They sit in the chairs of sadness where everyone spends a lot of time being sad, Jennifer saying that her mother won't even be coming to the funeral because she's in a nursing home. As David sympathizes, "She's so young," Greg draws the stark contrast that if you want to have sex with a woman, you also care about power tools and Tim Allen stand-up routines and other deviant behavior therein. He outs with, "Honey, I don't mean to rush you, but I need to be back on the site by noon. The latest." Oh, and you also work at a place called "the site."

Back at the When The Pawn... recording session, Keith asks SM2 what going on tour is like, and he responds, "The thing about Celeste. Every concert is packed with teenage girls, horny out of their minds." Keith warns that he should make sure to "check IDs," and SM2 cautions him, "Naw [they also say things like 'Naw'], you just gotta make sure you don't videotape nothing." Ooooh, a casual R. Kelly dig three years in the making. He'll target anyone, that Alan Ball. He doesn't care whom he insults. Who's next on his list of society's beat-down candidates? Paul Reubens? Hugh Grant? This script cannot be stopped! SM2 asks Keith if he's married, and Keith goes gender-neutral in his response, "We live together." SM2 warns him against marriage, showing Keith his ring and telling him, "I'm on number three, and I can't seem to fucking learn." They also curse a lot. And their hearing has been dulled by the power tools and it's rendered them unable to listen to the finer nuances of grammar. And, apparently, they're pedophiles. Keith stands silent as SM2 asks if he can ask a "personal question," and then comes forward with, I think, "How many times a week you get your pole wet?" That is what he says, right? Keith tells him that it's about "five or six times a week," and SM2 says that it's only once or twice a week for him, and that's only when "I buy her something." Keith tells him that that's "not good," and SM2 laughs and says, "That's so motherfuckin' not good." They share a laugh because all humor is pointedly funnier in a decidedly faggot-free zone.

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Six Feet Under




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