Six Feet Under
Coming And Going

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Large And In Sarge

Vanessa and Angelica -- who I swear I thought for this entire episode was being played by another actress -- sit in Vanessa's car outside of The Sideways Eight. Angelica rubs Vaseline on her face and offers some to Vanessa before passing it to a future scene in which it's going to come in A LOT more handy. Vanessa promises that she's only there "to talk," and a beat up whoremobile (if you die in that car, you die in sin, y'all) is soon to pull up behind them and vomits out Sophia, reeking of shame. She gets out of her car, and Vanessa and Angelica get out of theirs, the latter grabbing a baseball bat out of the back seat because, wow. They walk right up to Sideways Eight, who asks, "Who are you?" They're movie producers and they think you're the next Julia Roberts. You're saved! Unless they've come to ask you to star in Moaning Lisa Smile, in which case they might not be entirely legit. Vanessa identifies herself as Rico's wife, and Sideways Eight drops her voice out of the hoochie register for the first time in telling them, "This is not my problem. You have no right to be here." Vanessa says she thinks it is her problem, really, and Sideways Eight counters brilliantly, "It's not my problem, you don't know how to dress, and you can't keep a man." Really. Three entirely independent thoughts. She starts to walk toward her shanty, but Vanessa grabs her arm, with which Sideways Eight throws the first punch. Reeeee-owr!

All three of them get involved, though when they're all The Sharks it's so hard to know whom to root for! Just kidding. I'm rooting for the non-whore. Angelica screams something in the melee about Infinity's "fake tits," and she pulls back from the fighting to scream, "You're just jealous of my tits." With which Angelica grabs her own ample bosoms and screams, "Bitch, please!" I'm sure this is going just exactly as Vanessa hoped it would. Sideways Eight leans in and taunts, "Your man paid for these, gordita!" Mmmmm...gordita. Warm flatbread pita, meat, and three kinds of cheeses. Amazing Rico doesn't want to eat that instead. Vanessa and Sideways Eight hit the ground, Angelica pries them apart, and Vanessa screams for her to stay away from her husband and her kids, inspiring the response, "I got a kid too." I think it's meant to be a poignant moment of clarity, but, I mean, you could get that thing with chicken, beef, or steak. A neighbor comes out and screams that she's going to call the police, and Sideways Eight picks up her malk (her daughter always drinks plenty of malk), stopping three inches from Vanessa's face and snarling, "He doesn't want you anymore." Vanessa walks back to the front, grabs the baseball bat from her sister, and smashes the holy living shit out of that car. Angelica finds a conveniently-located brick and hurls it through the driver's side window. She simply could not be enjoying this more. A fair spell later, Vanessa lays down the bat and informs her sister, "We gotta go pick up the boys from school." What did you do today, mommy? Never mind, Julio.

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Six Feet Under

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