Six Feet Under
Coming And Going

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Large And In Sarge

Marshall lies in his coffin and Rico kicks it in the background. His cell phone rings, and an angry Sideways Eight yells, "You'd better lock up your goddamn Vanessa or I will." She recaps, not leaving that skill to the professionals, by telling Rico about the unpleasant meeting this afternoon and the unpleasant effect it had on her car. She tries to pin it on him with a simple "It's your fault," but he finally takes this moment to stand up for himself, yelling right back, "You started this. I've given you enough! My life is ruined because of you. You fuck your car, Infinity. I'm done." Oh, man. Now I bet she will. She's in ranting mode now too, proving her worth: "I don't need you anymore, dum-dum." Dum-dum? He's one of those lollipops from the pediatrician's office? I loved those. Except for the mystery flavor with the question marks all over the wax paper wrapper. What the fuck flavor was that? TELL ME WHAT'S INSIDE THE PAPER! "I got two guys better than you, and they're not stupid enough to tell their bitch-ass wives. Bitch!" She hangs up the phone. WHAT'S INSIDE THE PAPER?

Mena Suvari sleeps and Claire does not.

"I don't even know where we are," Celeste tells Keith in her room high above some city somewhere. You're in L.A. You're always in L.A. I know you're supposed to be in Iceland, Hastings, or this place, but every time Keith is outside he's in the same parking lot surrounded by the same palm trees and strip malls. But no ATMs. Of course. But you're totally in L.A. "Oh. Tampa," Celeste remembers. "Yeah, because when I got on stage, I said, 'How much do you love me, Tampa.'" You guys? Seriously? Her life is really hard. This feels like a Lifetime movie called, well, She's So Lucky: The Decline and Fall of Britney, airing Summer, 2012. Or next week on VH1 and about Michael Jackson. Is someone recapping that? That network has temporarily lost its mind. Keith starts to remove that little wire doohickey from behind his ear and tells her, "I'd better let you get some sleep." She asks him, "You know when you're really tired but you can't stop your mind?" I have a feeling she does not. But, I'll humor you. Go on. Celeste asks Keith how his boyfriend is doing, and though we know the answer is "getting grease all over the furniture," Keith opts for the more egalitarian "Not so good...he got carjacked a while ago." Celeste, like, totally gets it, sympathizing, "I'm afraid of those things, too. Some freak out of nowhere with a gun. Those autograph hounds." With which my friend Beth LINL took pains to observe, "They're not really talking about David anymore, are they?" In fact, they're not really talking about anything at all. Celeste turns to face Keith and asks, "Stay with me? Just 'til I fall asleep." With which she backs him onto the bed with a "Shut up," and climbs on top of him. His first thought goes to the legality of it all, asking, "You trying to get me arrested? You're barely eighteen." She rips his shirt right off of him, saying, "Publicity. Last March I turned twenty-one." She asks if he's ever been with a woman before and he tells her, "Of course." Her shirt comes off and she leans down for a little very dirty talk: "I don't get fucked in the ass." With which Keith responds, "That makes one of us." So we noticed!

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Six Feet Under

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