Six Feet Under
Coming And Going

Episode Report Card
Djb: B- | Grade It Now!
Large And In Sarge

Over at The Art School For The Blind, Mena Suvari braids Claire's hair as Mena Suvari asks Anita where Russell is. "He's asleep," Anita tells them. "I fucked him into unconsciousness." Oh, you poor dear. Are you being blackmailed? On topic (I'll take "Bad Art" for $10,000 a semester, please), The Matthew Barney of LAC Arts announces from a spot on the floor, "It really costs a lot of money to rent chainsaws." Oh, you guys. Become accountants. Seriously. I'm not over thirty. You can still trust me. Claire leans forward all put out by The Matthew Barney of LAC Arts's lack of vision, speeching, "I'm not saying to do that exact thing." Mena Suvari takes over then, adding, "We're just trying to brainstorm a dark, edgy..." and Gertude (she would totally be the Gertrude) takes it to the homestretch, finishing Alice B's sentence, "confrontational concept." Anita pipes in then to say that she finds chainsaws to be "a cliché," and I'm inclined to agree, actually. After you spend your childhood years at a cheesy Long Island amusement park called "Adventureland" (it was one word, for quicker adventure!) watching an animatronic tree outside of the haunted house say the line, "Chainsaws. I don't like chainsaws. I once had a close shave with one" over and over and over and over and whoops oh look I'm seventeen and I don't have to come here anymore, chainsaws really do start to lose their edge as a controversial political statement. Even though they're tools of terror still in the eyes of that tree. The Matthew Barney of LAC Arts suggests machetes, but Claire and Mena Suvari shoot it down in unison, which causes Anita to observe, "What are you, conjoined twins?" Yes. In the lesbian porn fetish film Chang and Bang.

Vanessa "Don't Speak" Diaz wears a facial expression that looks like it's working hard to calculate mathematically how many vows her short husband has broken. Apparently, she's packed the kids off, and he tells her she can't just do that. Yes. Yes, she can. Because of the moral clarity brought about in sentences like this one: "They don't need to be exposed to you and your hoochie mama. Who knows where she's been." Rico asks her again to listen to him, but she refuses categorically and lays down a pretty strong "How Dare You" gauntlet in saying, "How could you? All that time, come home to us after screwing her." Building an airtight case for himself, Rico defends his actions thusly, "I never screwed her. Never until last night." It's pretty bad, but for as angry as Vanessa wants to be right now, I'm not sure "Vanessa, baby, it was only one blowjob" really would have sounded any better, so why not. "You kicked me out into the street," he continues. "Yes, I went to her. Yes, I had sex with her. It's all your fault." Acting the shit out of this scene, Justina Machado works her ways through what I'm guessing were a series of improvisational grunts, unless the writer of this episode really knew how to write out, "H-oh, m'no, rgh, bah!" with the accompanying state direction, "Have you always been this short? Mother always said I should marry a taller man." Vanessa begins storming from the bedroom as Rico tries to apologize, but she wheels around and snarls, "You break your vows, you fuck that whore, and you blame me? You coward. You bastard. You son of a bitch. You make me sick." And once -- only once -- do I wish that this would briefly become an episode of My Two Dads or something so the live studio audience could burst into spontaneous applause in sharing the love for Vanessa only her husband fails to feel.

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Six Feet Under




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