Six Feet Under
Crossroads

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Death, dicks, dope, and a dancer

In a church that is not The Church of the Poison Mind, Vanessa and Rico are admiring his handiwork at La Femme Morte's funeral. She asks if he took Polaroids, and Rico excitedly admits that he borrowed a friend's digital camera. Heh. "She really is your Sistine Chapel," says Vanessa. "Too bad you've got to bury her." The two drunk girls from the opening scene approach the coffin, saying, "She looks beautiful." Vanessa snarks, "You should have seen her yesterday," and Rico quickly leads her away. Vanessa orders him to take Gilardi's offer, claiming that the Fisher's treat him "like a migrant worker." Federico, giddy at the prospect of earning $1,500 a restoration (yeah, right), agrees.

And now for David's date. The Hoedown Ho talks about how his dance-instructor job pays for books and beer while he's in grad school, and then asks David what's up with his "International Male" shirt. David admits that he borrowed it from his sister, to which I give a hearty heh. "It looks good," says HDH. "I bet it looks even better off." Oh, so it's gonna be that kind of date, is it? David is momentarily taken aback, and he tries to change the subject back to square-dancing. HDH explains that he got into it while being raised by his grandparents after his dad kicked him out of the house. Apparently, Dad walked in on him and his high school boyfriend searching for a lost contact lens on the desk in Dad's study, and flipped out. Isn't that pretty much what happened to Jen on Dawson's Creek? Or maybe it was in If These Walls Could Talk. I forget. Anyway, HDH asks how David's parents took the news. "My dad was okay with it," he says. "My mom is still a little uncomfortable." Good answer. They discuss past boyfriends for a moment, and then HDH compliments David by telling him that he's got the longest eyelashes he's ever seen. Hmm. I'm gonna have to try that one sometime. HDH then goes into a huge rant about David being "the older guy," and how he hates the way young gay men treat their elders. Gee, condescend much? Tacked on to the end of this rant is the question he really wants to ask, which is, "Are you a top or a bottom?" I'll cleverly sidestep the fuss in the forums over this particular issue, and just say that's an inappropriate first date question no matter what your sexual orientation. Like I said, dating is hard. David's answer, however, cracks me up: "Uhh, I'm versatile." HDH barely even notices. "Bottom, huh? Wow, this will work out well. You want to get out of here?" David in fact does, and they call for the check.

And now for Nate's Night Out, or, as I like to call it, "Hairy And The Hendersons." We open with a close-up of Brenda's bong, and pan over to her and Cockadile Dundee giggling and reminiscing. Nate watches from the sidelines, looking pissed and passive-aggressive. In the absolute best shot of the night, Creepy Jesus swings his head in from the side of the screen and starts talking to Nate. It's totally surreal and DEK-like, but it's really happening in the context of the scene, and that's why it works. Plus, they have matching stubble. Billy apologizes for ruining their trip, saying, "You must have thought I was a total psycho." Nate guardedly replies, "It crossed my mind." Mine as well. Billy hands him the bong, encouraging Nate to get into the spirit of the evening. As Nate exhales a cloud of smoke (and I always thought Danny was the pothead, not Casey), Billy explains that this is the happiest he's seen Brenda in a long time. Remember that later on, when Brenda makes a similar statement. Nate takes a few more hits, and watches Brenda and CD as they discuss his plans to start a television show where he wrestles household objects, instead of animals like that other Australian guy. Allen Coulter works his freaky fish-eye lenses as Nate stares around the room, seeing CD's sleeping bag all covered with cobwebs. Turning back to face his girlfriend, who has adopted a fake (except not really) Australian accent of her own, he leans in close and yells, "What fucking language are you speaking?" Oh, if I only had a nickel for every time I've been asked that question. Especially since the answer apparently isn't "German." Billy wisely instructs Nate to chill, and The Hairy One returns to his bong.

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