Six Feet Under
Crossroads

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Death, dicks, dope, and a dancer

The Jaunty Music of Impending Jaunty Wackiness plays over shots of a deserted Formaldehyde Fortress. Finally we move outside, to find a topless Nate "Ever Wonder What A Hairshirt Was? Well, Now You Know" Fisher, reclining in a lawn chair. In blatant defiance of UN environmental regulations and the recent Kyoto accords, there's a team of Brazilian ranchers clear-cutting the chest hair near his left nipple in order to provide more grazing land for their cattle. David emerges from the house, dressed as usual in a dark suit, and proceeds to harangue his brother about not studying for the funeral director's exam. Pan down to the funeral director's exam study guide, which Nate has draped across his lap. David sits down beside him, and there's some expository dialogue about how slow business has been lately. In what I believe may be the show's first direct reference to its LA setting, David mentions that their longest drought was for nine days during the '84 Olympics. Which is a shame, because I actually wouldn't mind seeing Mary Lou Retton as La Femme Morte de la Semaine. She probably could have done, like, a triple back-flip over that construction equipment, though. Anyway, David imitates The Late Nate imitating Walter Brennan, and it makes The Live Nate sad that David knows a whole side of their Dad that he doesn't. Grabbing the study guide from his brother, David proceeds to quiz Nate, and Hair Boy gets all the answers wrong. Finally, he's saved by the bell as his cell phone rings. It's Brenda, and they quickly gloss over last week's big fight. It's worth noting that Brenda is in her PJs (although if there's anyone I would have thought sleeps in the nude, it's her), and she's sneaking around the house as if there was someone there who she didn't want to overhear this conversation. She lies about her brother a bit, and promises to see Nate soon. As he hangs up and returns to his chair, he tells David, "You think we're weird being undertaker's kids? Just be glad our parents weren't shrinks." David goes back to the quiz, but Nate keeps ranting: "I'm so sick of this bizarre behavior that I'm supposed to figure out, and then she seems pissed off when I can't. It's fucking neurotic." I don't know what he's complaining about. That's like every relationship I've ever had. Dating is hard. But anyway, David continues with the quiz, and Nate actually gets one right. "It's not exactly the California bar," he tells David, although anyone who's ever watched Court TV knows that any idiot with a heartbeat and a pencil can pass the California bar. As The Jaunty Music Of Wacky Hairy Hijinks cranks back up, David asks one final question, and Foreshadowing stops by to bonk Nate over the head so he forgets the answer.

Cut to a faceless Femme Morte, lying on a prep table somewhere. It's unnecessarily disgusting, but it's also a pretty good make-up job, so I'll let it slide. Rico runs down exactly what he'll need to complete the restoration, and we pull back to reveal that he's in a busy Kroehner funeral home, being observed by Matt "No Whammies" Gilardi. After some banter, Rico consents to do it as "a one-time freelance job" for $1,500. Oddly enough, that's exactly how I got started here with that Bible Extra. Gilardi quickly agrees to Rico's price, saying, "For someone of your talent, that's a bargain." You hear that, Sars? ["No." -- Sars] Rico remains indignant, however, imperiously telling Gilardi to "stop blowing smoke up [his] ass." Gilardi agrees to do that as well, adopting a harsh tone to tell him, "Have her done by five, and she better look flawless."

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