Six Feet Under
Crossroads

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B | Grade It Now!
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Death, dicks, dope, and a dancer

Back at the fortress, David is fondling the Hoedown Ho's microphone. Heh. They chat as the seniors leave, and HDH introduces himself as Kurt. Nate suddenly appears in the doorway, getting a mischievous gleam in his eye when he notices David and his dancer. "This really was a great idea," says David. "So it seems, Dave," replies Nate, reverting to his really bad HAL 9000 impersonation. Kurt asks if David is free the next night, and Nate instantly jumps in to say that he is. They make plans for dinner, and then the HDH departs. David can't believe that his brother "just pimped [him] out to that kid," but Nate is unrepentant. "Oh come on, David," he exclaims. "I watch Will & Grace. I have gaydar." Bwah! David shakes his head at the stupid, stupid heterosexual, and makes him swear never to say "gaydar" again.

Out on the mountain, Captain America is acting like every pothead I've ever known and begging to get high again. Claire is worried that Dennis, the former wrestler turned camp counselor, will catch on now that they've been established as "the antisocial losers." Topher suggests sneaking off after they set up camp, "while the rest of the Bush youth groom each other for lice." Hee! I can totally picture Barbara and Jenna doing just that, with a bottle of vodka in one hand and a magnifying glass in the other. Parker joins them at this point, and it's explained that she and Claire aren't exactly friends, but they aren't exactly enemies either. Claire continues to wallow in her snotty snarkiness by asking, "Shouldn't you be leading us?" Parker claims that "the kid with the braces is doing it," before asking Claire if she has any pot. You wouldn't think it'd be possible for my obsessive, John Hinckley-style love for Lauren Ambrose to get any stronger, but somehow the image of her as a pot dealer is working for me. Of course, now the Secret Service is going to be after my ass in addition to Lauren's lawyers, because I just mentioned John Hinckley in the same paragraph as George Bush's family. It's just a joke, guys. Besides, what good would killing Dubya do? Everyone knows Dick Cheney runs the country anyway.

Kroehner's. Gilardi is examining the almost completely restored La Femme Morte de la Semaine. He describes her as being "absolutely beautiful," despite the Frankenstein-style scars crisscrossing her face. And, of course, now it's time for Rico's Weekly Wacky Embalming Ingredients. This time, he's rebuilt her cheekbones using "Elmer's Glue, dental floss, and modeling clay." At least that makes more sense than cat-food cans. Also, "heh" to the double-decker dead-guy gurney behind them. Gilardi goes back to blowing smoke up Rico's ass, and even goes so far as to offer him his own funeral home in San Diego. "What's going to happen to Fisher & Sons?" asks Rico. "What do you care?" responds Gilardi. "Is your name Fisher?" He tells Rico to think the offer over for forty-eight hours, making sure to get in one last dig by suggesting that he discuss it with his wife.

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Six Feet Under

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