Six Feet Under
Crossroads

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Aaron: B | Grade It Now!
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Death, dicks, dope, and a dancer

It's okay. I can say that because I'm Jewish. ["Oy." -- Sars]

Anyway, back to the scene. Rico wants to be made a partner in order to stay, but, as David explains, "that would require a significant financial investment on [his] part." When Rico looks blank, David has to explain further. "That's what partners are." Nate jumps in at this point, and gets Rico to agree not to do anything until the brothers have a chance to counter-offer. Once Rico departs, Nate starts trying to brainstorm profit-sharing ideas, but David is (pardon the pun) fatalistic. "He's finally figured out he's worth more than we can pay him. We're fucked."

Cut to the mountain, where Dennis is pontificating about their plans for the day. Claire asks Parker why she would sleep with him, and Parker says she just did it to see if she could. Dennis chooses Claire to be the day's leader, but she doesn't want the responsibility. They go back and forth, with Claire refusing to take charge, and then finally she gives in and points in a random direction, saying, "I think we should go that way." Dennis condescendingly suggests that someone else might want to check her map-reading skills, but Parker decides to stand up for her new best friend. "Hey, Claire paid her $1,200 too," she says. "Doesn't she get a turn?" Dennis tries to be nice and get everyone to decide on a direction together, but Parker won't back down, and he reluctantly agrees to let them follow Claire. With any luck, they'll encounter some piles of rock and a few stick-figure twigs in that direction, and we'll never have to see any of them again. Any of them except Lauren, that is.

Yawn. It must be time for Ruth's subplot again. She's at the flower shop, listening to Nikolai babble on about his business practices some more. Somewhere in the middle of his long rant about an Ethiopian restaurant in his neighborhood, Ruth begins fantasizing that she and Ed Begley Jr. are making sweet, sweet love amongst the petunias. I fantasize that they meet the same fate as the bowl of petunias that appears in The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, but that's a different story. Nikolai shakes her back to reality, and she returns to her work.

More Claire Witch Project. Parker asks if she really put the foot in Gabe's locker, and Claire confesses that she did. This prompts Parker to confess that she's also slept with Gabe, and yep, she sucked his toes too. Eww. Dennis appears at this point and orders the two of them to turn around, because he's kicking them off the expedition. There's much arguing and threatened exposure of Dennis's sordid sex habits, but he trumps them all by going straight for the pot in Claire's pack. He pulls out what appears to be about an ounce of marijuana (and I thought this was just a one week trip!), and then goes totally ballistic on them. "This is not a game, you little bitch!" he screams. "You are fucking with people's lives here!" Cut to David in the Body Shop, receiving a call from Dennis. After admitting that he is in fact the adult guardian of one Claire Fisher, David is only mildly surprised to learn that Claire is being kicked out for possession of pot. Back on the mountain, Dennis tries to make nice. Carlos Castaneda gets yet another mention, but Claire refuses to chat, claiming that she barely knows Parker at all. Dennis hopes she isn’t one of those people who would "make a huge stink and ruin [his] life just for the entertainment value of it." Actually, I don't think Parker really is that kind of person, and I'm qualified to make that judgment because it's my job to create a huge stink and ruin this show just for the entertainment value of it. Having fun yet, Larry? Parker emerges from behind a tree to defiantly light a cigarette and confess that she hates pissing outdoors. I'm almost tempted to switch my affections from Lauren to this girl, as those are two of the most important qualities I look for in a potential mate. The scene ends with Claire discovering that her pal Captain America is secretly addicted to Sierra Crossroads as well as to smoking dope. He's been doing it since he was fourteen, and it's what helped him get accepted to Stanford. The hiking, not the pot. "This whole experience just gets more and more irritating," says Claire. Sing it, sister. It's 5:45 on Sunday, and this is one of those times when I wish I had a half-hour show like everyone else this summer. Except, of course, for Jessica, who has to do three hours every week. This time, by the way, I actually am laughing at you.

In a wood-paneled conference room somewhere, Nate is taking the funeral director's exam. I'll again compliment the casting director for coming up with a handful of extras that really look like potential undertakers. Despite the fact that it would be ironically appropriate given the subject matter, Nate decides not to follow in his sister's footsteps and fill in the bubbles with a big skull and crossbones. It's too bad, because he might have gotten a better score if he had.

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