Six Feet Under
Dancing For Me

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All Aboard The Crazy Train

Meanwhile, Billy is, darn the luck, actually getting some, but is unable to climax due to the anti-psychotic drugs he's on. I guess a Seroquel a day keeps Creepy Jesus away, but it also keeps the little swimmers from escaping. Billy rolls off of Claire, disappointed. To her credit, she says it's okay: "I came already." "Oh, so I don't matter?" he smiles at her. "No, of course not. You're here purely to service me, and now that you've satisfied me, I must kill you." She tells him not to freak out, saying it'll make the next time that much better. She snuggles up against Billy and closes her eyes happily, while he stares at the ceiling and wonders if this is really so much better than just being crazy.

David and Keith are also getting ready for bed. Well, David's already there, but Keith's about to join him, and he's not too excited about David's name choice: Logan. "It's like a porn star name." My issue is that, either way, the kid's going to end up with two last names. What is with that lately? Am I the only one who's noticed this trend? Next thing you know, people are going to start naming their kids O'Halloran and Rybczyznzk and Fonzarelli, and in a few more years, roll call at kindergarten is going to sound like a World War II movie. ["Better that than Keith Charles, the man with two first names." -- Wing Chun] Keith stands over David, smiling. "Why are you looking at me like you're about to eat me?" David asks sleepily. Keith says David's beautiful. "Shut uuup," David says. Keith says he means it, and keeps staring. David slowly and amusingly removes the plastic tooth-guard/retainer thing he's wearing and says, "You're starting to creep me out." Keith says he wants their baby to be "part you too." David says they're kind of out of luck in that department, but Keith suggests that they ask Claire to donate her eggs: "That way the baby could be a combination of the two of us. Or as close as we can get, anyway." David silently considers the prospect of raising a pretentious art snob who does drugs and has sex with crazy people, but he uncertainly says he'll ask. I wonder how that would have gone if Keith hadn't buttered David up first? They chastely kiss goodnight, and David replaces his retainer. Fade to white.

And smack into a dream sequence. Orchestral hoedown music that Rodgers and Hammerstein rejected from Oklahoma for being too corny welcomes David onto some deliberately fake "farm" set with a red barn, plastic cows, and a painted backdrop. David looks around in confusion, which turns into amazement when Keith drives a tractor onto the scene, wearing overalls with no shirt. Watching at home, the Village People smack their heads and go, "A farmer! We should have had a farmer!" Keith hops down and announces, "I am the Egg Man." "Goo goo g'joob?" David answers tentatively, as if there were any other possible response. Keith smiles and gestures toward the barn. The door, with its "Eggs for sale" sign, opens up to reveal a farm-girl version of Claire with pigtails, a gingham dress, and a basket. Oh, and a GIANT, PLASTIC, PUPPET HEAD. She's fucking creepy, with these big Hummel eyes and cheekbones that nearly poke my eye out. Nowhere near as funny as Puppet Angel. Puppet Claire holds her basket out to Keith, who reaches in, takes an egg, and happily bites into it like it came from Cadbury instead of a chicken. He nods encouragingly at David. Puppet Claire holds out the basket to David, who reluctantly takes it, selects an egg, and bites into it. But the only thing that cracks is his teeth. Then David turns around to see that Keith and Puppet Claire are driving off together on the tractor. Puppet Claire turns to wave goodbye. David looks into the basket he's still holding, to see that all the eggs have been replaced by a red, deformed, half-bald puppet baby. "Daaaa-deee," it groans. David recoils in horror. He wakes up in the morning light to the sound of Keith already up and showering. Emotions play across his face, but I can't honestly say that one of them is "Gosh, I wonder what that meant?"

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Six Feet Under

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